I grew old and tired of the haunting ghost,
A shadow of a loved one I haven’t go,
Rose colored eyes of the summer’s coast,
Drifting in the night with nowhere to go,
I wanted a fantasy or a time from before,
Relentlessly pursuing the times of yore,
Fate had me calling more,
Yet the night was cold and the feelings where yours,
A memory awash and no one to hold,
Some day you’ll disappear and no one shall know,
A little rainfall and clouds does wonders for my vocabulary. Tomorrow is another typical sunny day in Los Angeles. Who says rain has to be downer?
If I was dreaming I hope I remain,
Falling down the tower and into the floor,
I stumbled into the alley,
Hands full for two,
A sip of the elixir and Snow White’s poison will do,
My reality is confused and blurred,
Headaches for a while and drowning in air,
Lest I wake now and into the night,
Time is a my river flowing into the light,
Traveling is quite an experience, but it’s only temporary.
Seeing one of your best friends is fun, but eventually you have to say good-bye.
As quickly as you land, you find yourself back in the office in the drab environment of florescent lighting and the hum of the AC.
Like everything in life, the moment comes and goes.
The rain falls as quickly as it disappears.
The flowers bloom just as fast as they whither.
Well, fuck me.
You felt on top of the world. The highest of highs — synthetic or natural. Does it really matter? You told me you wanted nothing to do with the world — to be alive, but fear tomorrow. It perplexed me then and bothers me now a year later. What is living, but wanting to die?
Born to live. Living to die.
What you say hurts. Here I am with a typical 9-5 job, more than needed and I have no means to make all the suffering go away. Life has a way of bringing me to down to the depth of despair, but for you it’s an illness without a cure. Poison has rushed into every vain, every drop of blood, and is now running wild in your mind. Life continues and yet you’ve fallen behind.
In our usually mildly drunken banter, my best friend made my entire world come crashing down. That the city I knew all my life, Los Angeles, was somehow boring and underwhelming. He said I could easily drop everything I know here to move to DC and Maryland to pursue public policy.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been passionate about the environment, specifically, renewable energy. He said I could have a career in that with him in DC and that he would make sure he put in a good word with the right people to make it happen.
It’s alluring to say the least. I only visited for just four days and had an amazing time. The city was vast, grand, and had a unique vibe I experienced for the first time. People rarely needed to drive and public transportation was the best I’ve seen anywhere — absolutely nothing like the headache it is here in LA. The buildings are beautiful and full of historical facts and the people seemingly always stopped to say a friendly hello — at least the parts I visited. There was a subtle charm to it all. Summarizing everything I felt and seen, it was quaint.
Should I? Is it not a crazy idea? I’ve been joking around that the East Coast is the equivalent to Shelbyville if Los Angeles was somehow Springfield. My assessment isn’t wrong I think, but the thought is alluring. As my friend said a few days prior, “The world is your oyster and you know you especially have options.”
Perhaps I do. Later world.
What yonder window breaks,
Auburn eyes into the soul like fate,
I see no other but love this day,
Sunshine clouds for the lonely way,
I feel a change in the time that’s swayed,
Seeing you again like yesterday,
It’s been an interesting few days this April. My perspective changed and all I have are my thoughts and few more memories.
Plan: fly from LAX to Baltimore, then to DC.
I took two flights.
Uber to LAX. $42
Flight one: LAX to Houston, Texas.
Flight two: Houston, Texas to Baltimore, Maryland.
Arrived in Baltimore – BWI.
Take the shuttle from the airport to the rail station. FREE
Buy a ticket for the train. They call it the MARC. $7.00.
Take the MARC into Washington, DC and arrive at Union Station.
At Union Station, take an Uber to my friends place. $12
Meeting a woman from England who was on both flights sitting across from me and again at the train station: PRICELESS.
Wish I caught her name.
Some nights, I fall and hard. My hands are heavy and numb from the constant beer bottles shuffling out of my hands. It’s an easy addiction made only easier by having a rough or less than stellar work day. Does that mean I’m proud of the amount of liquid courage cascading down my throat? Absolutely not. Drinking is a bitch. Unfortunately, it brings out the worst in me when I tread passed calm and relaxed and into unadulterated chaos. I’m a mess, but only some days.
I’ve asked a close friend if doing these activities somehow makes me a bad person. Does the infrequent nights where I willing indulge in my guilty pleasures define me? She says no. I’ve found myself asking her for advice on more than one occasion, since she’s a nurse by night and someone I’ve known for more than half my life. My core group of friends have one skewed and often colored perception on the topic of drinking and other illicit activities. I reasonably couldn’t expect the truth from them. Say it ain’t so.
Other days, I feel completely untouchable. I’ll run my usual 5K and feel the rush of endorphins flooding my inner cranium. It stopped being hard since last year and now is the go to method for stress relief. Maybe the sales for the month are at a new all time high and my bonus is larger than ever. Good news tends to trickle in — only making it more scarce and of a lower threshold.
I’m no saint, but I have honesty going for me. What do I have to lose? Almost every week I ask myself: What the fuck am I doing?
Adulting has its share of pitfalls. Bills, the usual 9-5 office job, and general angst of tomorrow doesn’t leave much time to relax. When you’re young, you have no responsibilities and are ignorant of the world around you. I remember spending all weekend watching cartoons with a large bottle of Coca-Cola and an even larger bag of potato chips not far from reach. I could easily do the same, but when you’re inching towards 30, you know you’re not the invincible munchkin of yesteryear. I still occasionally drink a can of Coke and have myself a bag of potato chips. Nostalgia, after all, is potent.
I tend to get flashbacks to a very specific range of years from 1995-2000. I consider those the best years of being carefree without a worry or doubt in my mind. My mom and dad had not walked down the path to routine bickering and everyone I loved was still close to me — no one had to go yet. It might sound silly, but I remember pre-school every time I bite into a doughnut or have a bowl of Frosted Flakes. If you grow up in a Chinese family, you don’t have such luxuries aside from the typical assortment of food found at dim sum.
Who wouldn’t want to feel like a kid again?
In just a few short days, I’ll be on a plane to fly myself to Maryland — all to visit my best friend in DC. I’m excited, relieved, yet anxious. I think anyone flying solo would have those feelings swirling in you in the days prior. I usually only travel to see friends and this time is no different. If the weather forecast is accurate, I’ll be met with heavy rain and thunderstorms. Normally, this might temper the experience of a trip, but the goal is always to spend time with them — the city is just a cherry on top.
This month has been interesting to say the least. Just a few weeks prior, I had two surprise medical bills in the upper three digits. Fun fact: I’m at risk for glaucoma. Like I needed a legitimate reason to start smoking weed. Ha. A large portion of my income is from commission and bonuses. I managed to beat the previous sales goal I set for myself with much fanfare from my boss. I respect him for instilling his trust in me so confidently. Subsequently, I’ll make twice as much as I made my last paycheck and will be on track to double that for the next one.
Just being honest, the money doesn’t excite me anymore. I’ll pay off my student loans a little quicker and breathe a sigh of relief I’m one of the fortunate ones. My friend use to give me shit for saying I had the means to go anywhere and do anything, but had myself firmly planted in the Valley. Well, this is me telling you how much our friendship means to me.
What is life?