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“Don’t Leave”

“Don’t leave.”

“Don’t go.”

“Please stay.”

I’ve heard these two word phrases from women I held dear to in the past. I can remember every time it was said to me. Right down to where I was, who I was with, and the time of day. In their eyes, in that moment, they didn’t want me to go.

What an incredible feeling it is to be wanted that much.

 

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It’s All Relative

I ask myself everyday, “What the fuck am I doing?” It’s brash and unfiltered, but a very serious question. I believe if you get too caught up in a routine, life will pass you by. It is inevitable. How well you’re doing is all relative. Find a place in time to compare yourself to how you were before.

I’m doing better than last month. I’m better off than I was one year ago. I’m worlds better than I was in 2015. Improvement doesn’t come in leaps and bounds. Some days you stumble and hard. Other days you tumble again and again. I’ve let myself down numerous times, but I haven’t given up. Regardless, if you keep trying, the only direction that matters is forward.

Later world.

 

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Hesitations

I’ve awaken from my sleep,

But I’m still dreaming,

A soul caught in deep,

Trapped with lies and no feelings,

—-

You were all that I needed,

Just whisper in my ear and I’ll believe it,

That we be together without fear,

No lies and hesitations between us,

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Past Souls of Tomorrow

I saw you from afar and my eyes could no longer wander.

I wonder if it was a dream and all that to ponder.

Was it just a chance on how we met?

Two souls who found each other from eternal unrest,

I gave you all I could and more than was needed,

Somewhere and somehow you fell from reality and no longer believed,

Call me crazy for loving a ghost,

A lie so well I was blinded for more,

Keep me reaching and someday I’ll have it,

Love had me in pieces and could never find it,

Darling you tormented me then and even now,

Somehow I could not see until our love went South,

What pains me to see is how we believed it,

Blinded by love, lust and more before we could see it,

——

It ended years ago and yet, here I am — still thinking of the past. What were you? What was I? What were we? Goodbye, love.

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Getting Ghosted

I’m thankful I surround myself with friends who are within reach at a moments notice. I try not to take it for granted. However, there are a select few who opt to do their version of the disappearing act. I’m putting it too nicely. Some people you message don’t message back. You get ghosted.

It’s an interesting phenomenon made only more complicated by read receipts and social media statuses. Is this how people treat others now? To ignore them? If that is the case, are they considered friends? You can be understanding and say they could be busy and don’t have the time to reply back. Is this still the case if a few days go by without a reply? What if they tend to ghost on a conversation when it’s convenient for them? You’re left hanging. Worst of all, it’s like you’re talking to wall — no one.

I’m irked, but who wouldn’t. Later world.

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Hate is a Strong Emotion

Hate consumes you. Think of it as the untamed fire that is destroying everything in its path. Nothing can stop it because it grows stronger. It controls your actions and before you can realize it, you’re a shadow of your former self.

I thread slow across the burning fire. Hopefully, I only slightly get burned. They say you shouldn’t play with matches, but what do I know.

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Honesty Over Lies

honest: free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.

I’ve become increasingly aware that not everyone is as truthful as I am with them. It’s a shame considering my sheer open and bluntness with everyone. I thought it would mean others can be as real as they are with me. I guess not.

I noticed my conscience gets the better of me — it controls my actions. When I do wrong, I am bothered to no end. Not everything you say will be as you want it. Some days, you wish you could take it back. It’s circumstantial. Unfortunately, you can’t once it’s out there.

I don’t think people apologize enough. It’s hard to swallow your pride and admit you did wrong. And all for what? A small hit to your ego. Somehow in the imperfect world, we as people, cannot fathom admitting we are wrong.

Sincerity is paramount. But what do I know. Later world.

 

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Death is Lurking

When my friend and I meet up, I see him do many things that would raise an eyebrow. Seems like drugs are always on the agenda. A cigarette here, a line here, and a beer or three there. I’m amazed he can do this every week actually. He’s been complaining about being broke all week and it finally hit me where it all goes.

I personally don’t consider any of his activities fun or something I would like to partake in. I call this self-harm masked over with the warm high illegal narcotics brings. It’s false hope for those who have a less than optimistic view of the world.

I may just sit and watch it consume him. There’s only so much I can do after the bazillionth talk I’ve had with him. Death is lurking, but he knows it too.

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Take Me Back

2011: Loved, but wandering. I miss it.


You were all I ever knew,

Coldest nights made warm beside you,

I held on longer and you could too,

Swinging in the park with the clouds of blue,

Eyes that looked into the soul of hair like rouge,

We shared a laughed of all we knew,

Somehow the feelings were new,

Lost together in life saying I do,

Come back with me in the past and say love too,

Dearly departed I loved you,