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Room for Two

Darling dearest,

What are we?

Two birds of the only tree,

We walked alone on the road,

Eyes not to wander,

And two hands to hold,

Time has fallen,

The skies a shade of grey,

Are we lost together?

An eternity you speak,

What are we?

Two souls of the merrily,

—-

The idea of happily ever after baffles me. It’s an enigma without a resolve. It’s the prettiest picture without a shadow in sight. No wonder we’re so caught up in the idea.

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Without You So

We’ve gone too far,

And now I can’t let go,

From the mountain tops,

To the valleys below,

I can’t bare another day,

Without you so,

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You Were Someone

What have we done?

Heartbreak and pain of the dying sun,

Our feelings come,

But love is none,

—–

Tell me what have we done,

To wander away like the passing sun,

Darling — our love’s just begun,

Heavens call before time has swung,

—-

I feel none,

What was love before we sung,

A sonnet for the days and years like young,

You came like a bell that rung,

Passing melodies of times that’s done,

 

 

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Everyone Lies

My best friend is full of shit. It’s sad to admit it’s come to this, but his rampant drug use has left him as a shadow of his former self. You’d think after the weekly cocaine binges the past couple of years he’d stop and have a reality check, but that’s wishful thinking.

The other night he admits he’s here to just have a good time and could care less about how long he lives. I went at him with the cold blunt truth and tried to set the record straight. I’m sure nothing I said made it through to him. It never has.

I’m not here to save him. He’s lazy, unmotivated, down on life, and depressed. I have no time for people who can’t help themselves and mope around hoping the world will throw them a bone. Somehow he’s willing to blame everything except himself. I believe everyone is in control of their lives and every action lead them up to this point.

If you’re not where you want to be, blame yourself. Take back what’s yours.

Later world.

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3/12: An Update

March is going well. The theme this month is: chill. Compared to the hell that was January and February, March feels like a walk in the park. It’s unusual how life can seem awful one month then have a complete reversal the next. I find it jarring, but welcomed.

Quitting my second job was the best thing I’ve done for myself. Was making more money worth it? Not really. At the cost of losing a lot of sleep and having a very terrible boss who didn’t take my word, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with those people anymore. I really hate having to convince anyone why I’m right. The act of hiring me for the position should be enough, but I’ve seen worse. Fuck them.

With free time now a thing, I still rather not sit and idle. I find the idea of watching TV a waste. Most programming seems like a mashup of ads and mindless action meant to distract. I much rather read or write. I recently bought a large moleskin notebook and a box of my favorite pens hoping it will kickstart ideas for some journal entries. Think of it a sketch pad for my less articulate ideas and thoughts. Why not?

I’m running at least twice a day now. Which is nice and exhausting. But satisfying. I want to cover ten miles a day either outside or indoors on a treadmill. It’s doable if I don’t end up with an injury or the weather being an absolute shit show. Having new proper running shoes helps. I swear it’s like running on a cloud. I dig it and my knees love not being sore.

Rather than buying lunch every day, I’m trying my hardest to prepare lunch at home. The effort is there and I’m hoping this continues well into the year. The area I work at doesn’t have the healthiest options available and the people there are sketchy as fuck. There’s that saying “you are what you eat” and it’s true. Part of me wishes I was still pescatarian, but there’s really no reason I can’t switch back. I should revisit this.

It’s only month 3, but I’m here making new goals as I go along. Think of it less like winging it, more like little adjustments along the way. I feel great, am well rested, and my mood is pretty high. I take life for all it allows and offers — sometimes by the bowl full.

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On Her Time

My beloved Grandma told me towards the end of last year, she doesn’t have much time left here. It crushed me. Moving me to tears in an instant. I stiffened up and told her with confidence that she would be around for a long time. My words said one thing, but the pain in hearing her voice the inevitable sent me to an existential crisis. She is central to my life and core, but she was right. She’s much older now and I’d be foolish to think she’d have all the time in the world.

She told me she was afraid and has been for many years. A two story house in the hills and yet she fears living alone. It bothers me. And it hasn’t left my mind since then. My Grandpa protected her for all those years they were together and somehow she’s now left to fend for herself against the outside world. It’s been ten years since he left us. Was she really like this all this time? She often tells me over the phone to not stay out so late — to not go to the bars or clubs. To watch my surroundings. I can take care of myself, but realizing the extent she feels she’s alone doesn’t sit well with me.

Growing old is terrifying. I wish I had more time, but you want what you can’t have. What am I without her? I have a difficult time letting go and hearing her voice the truth won’t make it any easier.

Life is a bitch.

 

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Reach Out

In my darkest hour,

I felt my pulse grow weak,

My heartbeat slower,

I was dying,

My eyes fell and my face into the seat,

The room became darker,

Everything a blur,

I lifted myself up slightly,

Moved no further,

I saw you standing in the room,

A ghost that has been waiting,

I cried a tear and several fell,

I reached out with my hand for you,

And yet you didn’t do the same,

I wasn’t ready to die yet

—-

It’s an interesting experience nearly dying. I don’t think I’m traumatized by it, more so enlightened. I’ve never felt so alive since then. Appreciate everyday more. You don’t always have tomorrow to look forward to.

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Bryan & Amber

My sister and her boyfriend have been together since she was a junior in high school. He’s has been living with us the past few years — sleeping in the same bed and room. What was formerly my room before I moved out for college. I see him as family and I know my sister is in good hands. She’s a bit crazy, but he keeps her happy and that’s all I need from a future brother-in-law. My sis has recently been referring to his dad as father-in-law so odds are, they’re due to be engaged soon. I’d approve without hesitation.

I didn’t welcome him with open arms when we met. Like any older brother would do, you proceed with caution and skepticism for any guy seeing your baby sister. As a guy, I know exactly the crude and misogynistic things teenage guys can say behind close doors. He didn’t make a good first impression. Not quite “fuck boy” level, but more “who the fuck does he think he is” vibe. He pulled up in a BMW 3 series and we both introduced ourselves. He was obviously nervous, but I wouldn’t expect anything less. My sis had warned him I was known for trouble.

I short while later, I decided to test him with just the two of us alone together. I asked him to give me a ride to downtown LA. While in the car, there were long pauses and awkward silence. I told Bryan to take the next exit and forgo driving to my original destination.

“Bryan, let’s go to a strip club.”

I pulled out a few hundred in ones I withdrew the previous day and showed him. He began to panic and stumble over his words.

“I don’t think Amber would like that.”

I told him without pause my sister would not know and this would strict be between the two of us. “Let’s have some fun.” He declined. I was relieved. He passed my test. Just because I’m a terrible person who likes to be sure, I did it a second time a couple of months later. It was the same outcome. My sister found out about a year later and was beyond pissed. My only response to her was, “Well, he passed didn’t he?”

Indeed he did. Bryan’s a great guy. I know this to be true. I’ve helped him pay for a high-end laptop, a couple 3D printers, software for his classes, and a bunch of other expenses in the time I’ve known him. I don’t need him to pay me back, just ensure my sister is taken care of. He makes my her happy and for that, I’d do anything for him.

Later world.

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Tomorrowland

“I hope she knows¬†you only like the beginnings of things.”

Everything that is new is exciting. I love the feeling of a new love interest, a new destination, or a new start — experiencing something different brings a lot delight. I tend to remember beginnings more vividly than how it ended. Some can argue nothing really ends depending on your perspective. It’s true. We look forward to tomorrow knowing we can’t go back into the past. Lives carry on and you leave behind the past a little more with each passing day. You can’t remember everything forever. Memories fade, as do the pain you’ve experienced. It might never go away completely — I would know. At the least, you have a bit of closure.

What is life without taking it all in like a sponge?

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10 Year Retrospective

2008: your first taste of death

2009: everyone is passing you by

2010: actions require effort

2011: to be loved is just a fling

2012: running across the finish line

2013: love for all the wrong reasons

2014: when vices take hold

2015: my world comes crashing

2016: the worst is not yet over

2017: struggling to find my place

2018: salvation is bitter sweet

I’ve had an interesting look back at 10 years. In 2008, I was at my lowest point in life and at just 17. I had no goals, no motivation, and no idea of what I wanted. It’s been a slow climb upwards since then. 2018 was my best year yet and I don’t see this year being anything less.

Later world.