Purposefully

I think a great deal about what my purpose here is in life. I’m not sure why. When I was a kid, it was much the same. It fascinated me to think that I was one out of billions of other people that went about their day completely unaware of everyone else. I had my little bubble in the suburbs of San Gabriel Valley blissfully ignorant of other parts of the world.

As I’ve gotten older, the realities of the outside world have gotten more apparent and you can’t turn a blind eye to it anymore. Friendships grow stronger and some weaker. Feelings come as quickly as they go. Life comes at you fast and some days, you’re powerless to stop it, let alone brace for impact. It’s all tiring to experience. People have their own lives and struggles every day and some suffer.

What am I then? I’ve always been bothered by seeing friends in a less than happy state. I’m happy when they are happy, which in of itself is problematic. I feel just as much pain as they do. Empathy is interesting with those you care about. I feel as if I’m at the mercy of those I’m close to.

Not everyone I care about wants to be helped. Some can’t help themselves. Somehow, I still make myself open to them. To give them as much as me as possible knowing that they likely wouldn’t do the same, circumstances or not. One of the nicest comments I’ve ever gotten was that I’m very dependable. It’s been permanently etched in my mind. Nice comments aside, who do I depend on then? I’d save everyone if I could. Who will save me?

Most of the year, I feel absolutely untouchable — invincible even. Everyone can see it at the office. I’ve been told it gives off a lot of intimidation. Maybe it’s the suit or my unrestricted openness to share details about my life with everyone. I don’t believe I have anything to hide at this point of my life. I like to joke sometimes that everyone knows me better than any ex-girlfriend ever had — much to everyone’s amusement.

When you live, you’re bound to fall and stumble. The day is unplanned regardless of how much of an agenda you create. It’s making sense of the disorderly that a day brings. You just follow each task closely. I’ve had my share of vices, addictions and bad habits that put my life in danger. I’m amazed that I’m even alive. I know that’s a terrible statement to make, but it’s true. I’ve narrowly avoided death a handful of times due to my complete disregard for safety and self-control. I suppose for these experiences, I have nothing to fear. Not living and definitely not dying.

I can’t fathom living a life where I knew I could have done more. It goes without saying that I live life not holding myself back. Say what needs to be said, do what you fear, and hope everyone you care about is still with you in the end.

I don’t have time to hesitate.

To Unfriend and Unfollow

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When you’re younger, you generally want to be be “friends” with everyone and with as many people as possible. You’ll add anyone on social media — friends and acquaintances alike. Bonds are usually very weak and you normally wouldn’t meet up with most of them — let alone wave to them in public. It’s a weird dynamic. To follow what they’re doing online, but never actually see them in person.

My friends list in the 12 years I’ve been on Facebook has varied wildly. At one point, I had over one thousand of my not so closest friends all linked up and followed. It was all for the soul purpose of not missing out on anything such as trips to the club, parties, ragers, kickbacks, etc. It worked well for that purpose, but if I’ll be honest and blunt, I couldn’t care less about everyone on there. It hit me one day. These people don’t care about me and I don’t care about them. Why am so preoccupied with what they’re doing? How weird. Even more troubling, you tend to feel just as lonely regardless of how many people you befriended or followed.

I feel it’s a false sense of popularity in some regards. Who cares how many friends and followers I have online. Real world is much more important. Having that one friend come to your rescue when you have a flat one the freeway at 12 in the morning beats out a thousand faces in the feed.

Later world.

 

Oops Didn’t Mean To

Last night, after some fumbling to look for my phone behind the car seat, I managed to accidentally call one of my friends — a girl I dated last year. We’re talking about 4 months ago. Dread came over me as I saw the call connect and heard a familiar hello on the other end. I generally believe hanging up abruptly on someone is a bit rude. Considering the circumstances, I answered back.

Normally, I rarely use my phone to talk. It’s a bit ironic considering it’s original purpose. It’s usually the case now with everyone’s preference for text messaging. Even though its wide use, I don’t like texting. I have a hard time getting my point across usually, much less follow the conversation. I asked myself, “She picked up. What’s the worst that can happen?”

There was a fair bit of small talk to break the ice, but that’s to be expected. We caught up with each other’s lives. Last I saw her, I had steak nachos and she ordered macaroni and cheese. Much to her surprise, my memory is that good. She had a bit of fun quizzing me on what we did and what she wore. I was three for three. I think if you’re going to spend time with someone just the two of you, you ought to remember as much as you can. Seems only the polite thing to do. Everyone deserves full undivided attention free of all digital annoyances.

I’m surprised. I thought she’d be a little irritated to hear from me seeing as how long it’s been. I’ve been wrong before, but this call was welcomed. Just like that, we reconnected. Why can’t it always be this simple?

I call this a “happy accident”. Almost made my night. If there wasn’t some 40 miles of distance to travel, we’d might just hang again.

Later world.

Feel It Lurking

I feel the shadows before we ever met,

Darkness cold waves pulling me to the depths,

It touches the lonely soul,

Ice cold chills into my body all thorns and no rose,

Feel as I shiver alone in the open,

Tidal waves chasing while I run home — no motion,

All who feels it knows it lingers in the moments,

Feeling as if I’m drowning in the ocean,

Gasping for air in the second,

Reach out with one hand and hope I can hold it,

Tumbling deeper into the commotion,

Soon you too will feel the sting and hopeless,

How you cast me to the side,

With your brown hair green eyes and told another lie,

Feeling Like a Million

All Well That Ends Well

It’s been a long awful week and month, but the end is near. In the eyes of my co-workers, I might not be human. I suppose if you’re the only one who routinely goes to work an hour earlier than everyone that says something. Yeah, it’s, “I’m fucking busy everyone.” I run up and down the stairs about thirty times a day when some of my co-workers dread a single step. C’mon. It’s just stairs. Sales are way up since the beginning of the year, which is a huge relief to everyone at the office. Trump is working on a trade deal with China finally, which hopefully means no more bullshit tariffs to fuck us over. Good news is rarely heard, but so satisfying when you need it.

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This is not a miracle. I call it busting ass so my company doesn’t go bankrupt.

When Life Gets in the Way

When I’m heavily stressed, two things are apparent immediately: I look terrible and I have no appetite. Both of which, makes life difficult. My social life was next to nothing, but that’s usually the case if you’re pulling two jobs. The past month, I cancelled on one of my friends — twice. I felt awful about that and apologized repeatedly. I’m glad she’s so forgiving and understanding. As they say, third times the charm. Note to self: make this happen.

Buy Low Sell High

I tend to find some silver lining to every bad month or week. Good things do happen. It’s just when you’re so caught up in the bustle of life, you overlook at the little things. I reinvested more than one-third of my assets into the stock market, bought some mutual funds, and ETFs. All things considered, the major sell off experienced in the beginning of the year is over and there’s no better time to invest than now. You’re essentially buying securities on sale. The only direction the markets are headed now into the year is up. I also opened up a high interest savings account at 2.22% to park my money, which barely misses out on beating the annual inflation of 3%.

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My friends ask me for advice on investing occasionally. Although, they tell me they’re looking to get into it, I rarely believe them. The same goes for Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies. I teach them everything I know, but they don’t follow through. I don’t think they have the motivation to stash away most of their paycheck every month into something other than a checking account — low risk or not.

6 Months of Waiting

The other day, I went and got my teeth scanned at SmileDirectClub. They offer clear teeth aligners for a fraction of the price you would pay for with Invisalign. We’re talking about $2000 vs. $6000. It’s a stupidly huge difference in price. Funny thing is, my dental insurance covers 80% of the cost of Invisalign, but would mean I would have to wait til next year to get that done. Fuck that. A quick 20 minute scan and I saw all my teeth displayed on the monitor, which was pretty cool actually.

They mail you the aligners in a few weeks and you switch to the next one in the time stated. Truthfully, I’m hyped as fuck to get them in the mail and I can’t wait to check this off my list of goals. They throw in freebies like an at home teeth whitening kit. I gave it a try the other night and it was really fucking dramatic. I dig this and I’m usually not one to get too excited for anything.

In the End

Things are looking up. I’m two for two. Fix eyes: check. Fix teeth: check. My confidence is even higher than before. My mood is back to my chippy self. For that, I’m thankful, grateful, and hope this continues for the rest of the year.

I do me and don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. Daniel is forever. Later world.

 

 

 

Predetermined

A certain segment of the population believe life is predetermined. That all your actions actions are scripted and prerecorded. This is absolute bullshit. I firmly believe everyone is in control of their lives. Every action is one they bear responsibility for and no one else. There is no plan; only the one you set forth.

I like to think life is like a movie. Do you want yours to be a B-list movie or a Hollywood blockbuster? I think the choice is clear. With that being said, you can’t expect life to magically throw you a bone and you’re somehow a success story. Time, effort and determination is required. Without it, you’re left with a life of what ifs and has beens. Seize the moment as some would say.

It’s 2019 and I’m thankful to be where I am. I’ve met most my goals and actively work towards the next one. Some can argue it throws your priorities out of whack, but I disagree. Worst anyone can do it live not knowing what tomorrow has in store for you. That’s not to say it’s going to go according to plan. It rarely does. All I’m doing is setting the course and hope I reach the destination one way or another.

Life can be a total bitch some days. If you somehow have the support of your closest friends, don’t expect them to know where you’re coming from. Their priorities aren’t your priorities. They offer their support but that’s all it is. Just kind words of encouragement. Perspective taking is wanted but rarely seen in person.

Life the way you see fit. You don’t owe anyone anything. You’re not here to save anyone or rescue some poor soul. What matters is yourself. Anything less would just be thoughtless and met with disappointment. Be the best you and hope everyone is still along for the ride.

I and Her

Your mind grows tired,

And yet my heart’s on fire,

Seasons change and grown no wiser,

To be with you of another,

Distant gazes and no calls to her,

You said you would but that too was a liar,

My darling — I don’t want to be a bother,

Time comes closer,

But we grow farther,

 

 

Self-Improvement Redux

Last year, I had two goals in mind. Fix my eyes and fix my teeth. Laser eye surgery was more about convenience than an absolute necessity. After wearing glasses since the 6th grade, I got tired of them constantly slipping and getting misplaced. A quick consultation and zero percent financing later, I walked out with 20/20 vision. Shit was incredible and life changing.

Fixing my teeth was more for cosmetic reasons. As my dental hygienist said it best, “your teeth are beautiful.” But that’s not to say they aren’t to my satisfaction. I just finished the last needed procedure before I get my 6 months of retainers and whitening kit. It amazes my friends and my doctors the lengths I go to in the name of self-improvement. But they have only positive things to say. You do you and indeed I do.

All I’m left with is my snake tattoo. Seeing as I how I need to reserve several hours on the weekends and endure a fair bit of pain to complete it, that can wait until life is less hectic.

With every goal I meet, I feel as if nothing is stopping me from what I want in life. I consider these goals fairly small and lead up to my more ambitious goal of owning my own home. Best I can do is stay focused and not get sidetracked with all the little inconveniences life has a way of throwing at me when I least suspect it.

I feel a little blessed I have the means to do everything in a short amount of time. For that, I’ll stay humble. Later world.

 

Why Would You Say That?

I’m meeting up with a friend soon. One that I use to be quite close to. We go way back and several years ago. I find it unusual how we met actually. I was minding my own business on campus, when she came up to me to comment on what I was wearing. She liked my style then and still does to this day. She told me last time we met, she has me under a “unique” name in her address book. I had a good laugh knowing she picked out a pet name for me — if that’s even the correct word.

Many of my close friends are female, which is nice to have. Guys have one perspective, but it’s refreshing to hear what girls think. If you’re close to them, it brings a lot of relief and opens up your eyes a bit. I have one friend I’ve known since the sixth grade that I still keep in touch with every month — single or not. In fact, I think she’s soon to be engaged. We’re all close, but strictly platonic without any romantic feelings — whether past or present. Although my usual core group of friends mean well, there is an underlying tone of misogyny I don’t agree with — jokes or not. Brains are wired differently between the two genders after all.

I hear a lot of interesting things sometimes. There’s the usual pet peeve with the husband, boy friend, or fiancé. All I do is take it all in and offer my thoughts. It’s never my job to direct them on what to do. I feel it’s crossing a line in some respects. Other times, conversations get a bit inappropriate. My friend has been married for a few years now and I’m happy for her. In our usual meet up, she said she wondered, “what it would have been like if we got together.” It’s really not what I should hear — and ever.

It’s at this point, the line has been crossed and dread quickly overcomes me. Why would you say that? How could you say such a thing knowing you have a ring on your finger? Worst part is I know him too. I brush it off and try not to take it so seriously to not make it awkward. I felt bad afterward. Seems like the intent was to catch up, but the result was a bit of oversharing. There’s saying it to just tell someone and there’s saying it to invoke a reaction. Somehow,  neither is clear.

Later world.