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She Called It First 1/23/2019

The prospect of reconnecting with a friend is always exciting. There are some challenges with scheduling and location, but I find it more or less works out if both parties are willing. I don’t have any of my old text messages saved on my phone, which surprised me a great deal when I was chatting on Facebook the other day.

The date stamp is 12/21/2013. It was my very first quarter at UCSB. It floored me almost to see what I wrote to her. Marketing, which is what I do now, was always the game plan. Seeing that made me smile a bit. I felt uneasy at the time being away from my friends. Add in the emotions that come with being newly single didn’t help. I had some idea of what I wanted to do for a living and it materialized.

More so, I’m amazed. She called it first. Well, I did develop a bit of a drinking problem. At the very least, I have to tell her that her joke was more of a foreshadowing of things to come for me. Perhaps an apology too while I’m at it. I’m sure we’ll both get a kick out of it.

Later world.

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Self Fear

I can’t say I fear anything at this point of my life. I’ve long since gotten over my irrational fear of heights and now I’m practically immune to it. It took a while, but I welcome stairs and the occasional escalator. However, if anyone goes out of their way to startle me, you’re a fucking asshole. Cheap thrills at the cost of the other person says a lot about their character.

I’ve come to realize much of what holds you back is fear in many respects. Fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of not living up to expectations, etc. It’s all around you whether or not it’s obvious. It’s the invisible barrier than keeps you to your knees. I’ve always pride myself on being open and honest when with everyone, and having the benefit of letting my true self show. I’ll happily tell anyone who cares my issues along with successes if they find it inspirational. In that way, I leave nothing on the table. It’s satisfying for myself. I am an open book. If by some reason I leave this Earth prematurely, everyone knows the whole me and the real me. I have no masks or faces to hide behind. It gives a lot of relief.

Co-workers and friends alike have asked me, what do I do about jealousy. My typical response is it stems from deep rooted self-consciousness. A man who is jealous is not where he wants to be in life. I’d be hard pressed to find a better rebuttal. Striving to become the very best you and overcoming every obstacle removes jealousy. You can become untouchable.

You’re romantically involved with a woman and somehow you’re jealous of other people she socializes with. Truthfully, you see them as a threat — perhaps she might be taken from you or have the idea of breaking it off. Most guys should ask themselves if this is rational. True love is unbreakable to some degree. If your know who you are and where you stand, it shouldn’t be an issue. Guys don’t like to hear this, but your lady obviously has friends — some of whom are male. Get over it.

That’s not to say you don’t have to stand your ground and make it be known. She and you are one. Anyone who goes out of their way to “home wreck” or jeopardizes the life you two share should be dealt with. Make it be known, she’s with you and there’s no room for any exceptions.

Love is special and practically undefinable. Let the audience and her know is just you and her. Everyone else can sit and watch it unfold.

Later world.

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The Distance 1/22/2019

On days when I’m busy, I find myself staring off into the distance. My office is on the second floor and nearby are large glass windows going from floor to ceiling. I consider it one of the best views available in the office. I don’t think my co-workers carry the same opinion, however. It’s even better when everyone upstairs is gone and I have the entire floor to myself with the mix of jazz music I have playing. It’s calming, serene, and very zen.

Naturally, a few thoughts come to mind, many of which stem from when I was younger — fears mainly. Education was never my strong suits as a kid. The motivation was not there. Coupled with a less than stellar home life, I felt I was doomed to life of mediocrity and would likely fall through the cracks. Come to think of it, I not once studied for an exam when I was in primary school. It’s easier to say I didn’t care or gave school much thought — which is true.

I think when you’re a kid, everything is essentially handed to you. It’s a bubble, free of outside forces that would otherwise leave you fending yourself against the elements. It’s one thing to get bad grades, yet another to hear your family say you’ll never amount to anything. I could give them a pass for all the years of criticism and negative vibes seeing as how they didn’t know any better.

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I’ve felt my family was never in a good position to properly raise children. My parents and I were born on the rural countryside — away from the luxuries of what city life had. I remember visiting as a kid and being in complete shock to the lack of anything around us. Homes were made of bricks, floors were laid with dirt, and it was natural to fetch water from a well. Somehow, in my parents eye’s, I was suppose to feel a strong connection to this foreign land upon returning. How blind-sighted there were. It was a jarring experience and I did not enjoy our months stay. Why would I, as someone raised in the US with all the conveniences I’ve grown to love and hold dear to.

This, however, was the benchmark my parents put me against. As a kid, I was overwhelmed and confused. It made me realize much of the criticism thrown in my direction was unwarranted. It’s impossible I’d would grow up to be a farmer or go out to raise livestock here in the States. I spoke and wrote English with absolute fluency, had all my education here, and had my entire life to get it all down to a T. My little epiphany moment wasn’t Earth shattering by any means. I gradually learned to ignore them more as I got older. A few uncles offered similar words of support when I was a teenager — much to my relief.

In a nutshell, some people aren’t keen on perspective taking. You can say they have such tunnel vision and prolonged feelings of hostility, they don’t know any better. I understand where they’re coming from, however, I can’t excuse them for the negativity imposed on to me. I think every kid, teenager, or person needs less criticism and more positive support. Worst they can do is inevitably make them fearful of the world. You may not get the full support of your family no matter what you do for a living, how much you make, or what you own — so be it.

Always do you. Everyone’s priority is themselves. It’s your life and don’t ever think you’re not in control.

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Danny vs. Daniel

I tend to view myself as two people of the same self. There’s who I was versus who I want to be. Essentially, Daniel vs. Danny.

To some, this makes no sense. Now let me explain. Danny parties hard, gave no fucks about consequences, and had a disregard for the well-being of others and himself. Shocking, I know. Daniel more or less has his shit together. He’s ambitious, driven, motivated, and had a clear understanding for what his future holds. Many friends and coworkers admire this person. Some fear it with a bit of apprehension and intimidation. So be it.

You can say, Danny aspires to be like Daniel. Call it Dr. Jekyll vs. Mr. Hide or the angel on a shoulder vs. the devil on other. For quite some time, Daniel has won over Danny. Amazing — yet terrifying to think about. Somehow, there are two conflicting persons within in the same body.

As they say, old habits die hard. The old life is just that, who I was. You can say, for the time being, it’s been a battle against the other half. As if this wasn’t a source of contention among the host body. Believe me, it is.

Most who get a glimpse of the other half feel the savagery it encompasses. Be warned, proceed with caution. Best I can do is keep it under check. Everyone is fighting with their former self. I’m no stranger to it. If you get offended, I’m sincerely sorry you’ve had to experience it.

Later world. Danny out.

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Ghosts Tell Lies

You told me you loved me,

And time stood still,

I felt the warmth you brought,

But lingering despair,

—–

The skies stopped moving,

And the rain felt cold,

Something of a thunderstorm,

And a ghost that’s near,

—–

I left you from afar

And cried a tear,

Many fell from your face,

Yet none to bare,

—–

Memories faded from view,

And all turned grey,

Loves comes and goes,

A shadow in the darkness by mayfair

—–

We were once one

Like inseparable souls,

Walking together in the sunset,

And wandering no where

—–

I left you behind on that faithful day,

Forever a lone goodbye

Until the end of time

Waving once more — gone with no cry

—–

I never did like saying goodbye. Why should anything have to end?

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Second Job? 1/21/2019

An old friend and co-worker of mine reached out to me the other day about doing marketing for his company. I’m quite flattered by this. I haven’t worked with him in over a year and somehow I am his first pick for the position. It’s more or less what I do at my current job — e-commerce, which I dig. If our schedules align and come to an agreement, I’ll me making a cool 75% more every month.

This by no means will be easy. I haven’t had 2 jobs since my senior year of college and I did not enjoy that the least bit. I like to think time management is only a small part of juggling two jobs. Finding ways not to burn yourself out is the main concern. I’ll spend twice as many hours sitting in front of a computer. With that, even less of a social life and time to myself. This I dread.

I asked the guys this and everyone was saying to go for it. Money is money as they say. I suppose in their eyes, it is enticing. Frankly, I don’t spend much and this all goes straight into the “I’m Trying to Buy a House” fund. It’s not like I can reap the fruits of my labor with extra cash flow just like that.

A big part of my goals this year was paying off debt — mainly the remaining balance on my student loan. This second job will make it happen quick, but at what cost? God damn it. Opportunity arises and I can’t just take it with open arms.

Later world.

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I’m Woke

woke: the act of being very pretentious about how much you care about a social issue

I’m woke. Complement accepted😊

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All the More Reason 1/20/2019

I find set backs to be less debilitating now that I’m use to them — I expect it. After all, you can’t plan for everything that comes flying towards your way. Some days, you get blind sighted. Ouch. On some nights, you do some things — things not to your well-being. Self-harm, self-destruction, whatever. Old habits come back with a vengeance and you’re left fighting with your former self. You’re always fighting with your old self, just some times you’re on the losing end. That’s alright actually. At least you know you’re putting up a fight and trying. Most don’t try. Don’t be like them.

I’ve always wondered how my life would be had I given up. Where would I be, who would I meet, what would I do? The greatest unknown is who am I? Searching for your own self-identity is met with a few bumps and bruises. Maybe a visit to the emergency room or a few near-death experiences knock some sense into you. I’ve downplayed the severity of my past behavior a great deal. Often enough, I’ve used it as self-deprecating humor to make light of a traumatic experience. In the end, everyone listening gets a few good laughs and I can put that behind me. Shit happens and will continue to happen for the foreseeable future. Best anyone can do is to move forwards. Three steps forward and two steps back is still a step in any direction.

I did my taxes recently. It’s one thing for your friends and co-workers to tell you you’re doing alright in life, but it never clicks in my head — which I believe is what really matters. You yourself has to see it. Who gives a shit what other people tell you. My income has risen exponentially year-after-year since I started working after college. It’s nice to see and know, but more money doesn’t make me any happier. Money is important and you need it to make it in the world. It makes the world go round, however, it is not the end all. I wish I knew this about ten years ago, but no matter. You need to learn from your mistakes.

For my age, my credit score is a cool 40 points higher than the average. My debt to income ratio is lower than the average too. I’m in the top 1% of millennials — who gives a shit. I guess that means I’m financially stable to some extent. I have this long spreadsheet of all the times I spent money on drugs, alcohol, and clubs I keep to the side as a little reminder of what not to do. Considering the total is in the thousands, I think I’m alright now. I had my fun and now I want nothing to do with that lifestyle. The money is gone, but I’m better now than I have been ever in life. For that, I’m thankful — quite thankful.

2019: remain thankful.

Self-improvement doesn’t come in large leaps. Baby steps are needed before you reach the other side. I don’t need anyone to help me get up when I fall. Take the road less traveled and hope you make it in one piece. Who really knows what they’re doing in life anyway. I do me and I don’t expect everyone to support all my endeavors or figure out what makes me tick.

Later world.

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Until You Self-Destruct 1/19/2019

The level of self-destructive behavior I see in people alarms me. I think at one point, we have all tried to drown out our sorrows with alcohol — which I consider to be fairly mild. However, hard drugs is what I have a problem with. Considering most bad moments in life are just temporary, subjecting yourself to several months or years of drug abuse seems like a bad deal — one of the worst there is.

Last night, I went to the club with the guys. Normally, I would say no, but after some insistence, I said fuck it — why not. It was a long week. I would in all honesty admit that going clubbing and going to shows was more fun back in college — not so much now. Back then, I always went with a large group of friends, predominantly female. Shit was fun getting drunk and dancing the night away in some alcohol-fueled bender. Of course it is and would be. Study hard, but party twice as hard. I have too many fond memories of this. Even after finishing college, I did it weekly for other year and a half before I came to my senses and gave it up. Real-world hit and I was left wondering how old is too old for this shit.

I have nothing against clubbing, the party scene, or EDM. It’s an acquired taste and lifestyle. My beef is when it’s used as an excuse to do lines of coke and pop molly. I’ll be real. My friends do this shit a lot and all the fucking time. Molly or ecstasy is the drug of choice for all millennials who like to have a good time. I can’t name a single person I know from college or now who hasn’t at least tried that shit at least once. Who wouldn’t. Pop one and you feel amazing. It’s attractive.

I suppose I always knew my best friend participated in these activities every week without telling us. His behaviors are erratic, mood swings on a dime, and he looks like shit most weekends. He’s a maniac depressive masked over with drinking, drugs, and partying. But he’s a big boy and I’m not here to save him from the path he’s gone way far too down. My job isn’t here to save anyone.

I used to believe that if you had caring friends who were looking out for you, you would almost be almost immune to self-harm. How naive. Only now do I realize even if your friends tell you you’re fucking up, it’s really up to you to decide if you want to listen. Not everyone does and most people are terrible listeners. What separates me from everyone else is I listen and follow advice to a T. I consider myself fortunate for that reason.

I’m almost for a lost of words to describe how it could get this bad for my best friend. Several likes of coke, a few pills of molly, and somehow this is what he considers a fun night. You do you, but next time, I’ll pass. I want nothing to do with that shit.

Later world.

 

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What the Heart Knows 1/18/2019

I’ve wandered off the path in search of you,

The woman of my dreams and the skies of blue,

Call me awestruck and in love — adieu

Some call it love — say it ain’t true,


I listen in the night and all I hear is you,

A twilight moon for the skies were blue,

I’d sing for a symphony to before I say adieu,

I know this is love — can it be true


Reason with me why my heart says you,

Missing us like ocean waves of the deepest blue,

I can’t bare the day before we say adieu,

My dearly beloved is all I love — we know it’s true,