I find set backs to be less debilitating now that I’m use to them — I expect it. After all, you can’t plan for everything that comes flying towards your way. Some days, you get blind sighted. Ouch. On some nights, you do some things — things not to your well-being. Self-harm, self-destruction, whatever. Old habits come back with a vengeance and you’re left fighting with your former self. You’re always fighting with your old self, just some times you’re on the losing end. That’s alright actually. At least you know you’re putting up a fight and trying. Most don’t try. Don’t be like them.
I’ve always wondered how my life would be had I given up. Where would I be, who would I meet, what would I do? The greatest unknown is who am I? Searching for your own self-identity is met with a few bumps and bruises. Maybe a visit to the emergency room or a few near-death experiences knock some sense into you. I’ve downplayed the severity of my past behavior a great deal. Often enough, I’ve used it as self-deprecating humor to make light of a traumatic experience. In the end, everyone listening gets a few good laughs and I can put that behind me. Shit happens and will continue to happen for the foreseeable future. Best anyone can do is to move forwards. Three steps forward and two steps back is still a step in any direction.
I did my taxes recently. It’s one thing for your friends and co-workers to tell you you’re doing alright in life, but it never clicks in my head — which I believe is what really matters. You yourself has to see it. Who gives a shit what other people tell you. My income has risen exponentially year-after-year since I started working after college. It’s nice to see and know, but more money doesn’t make me any happier. Money is important and you need it to make it in the world. It makes the world go round, however, it is not the end all. I wish I knew this about ten years ago, but no matter. You need to learn from your mistakes.
For my age, my credit score is a cool 40 points higher than the average. My debt to income ratio is lower than the average too. I’m in the top 1% of millennials — who gives a shit. I guess that means I’m financially stable to some extent. I have this long spreadsheet of all the times I spent money on drugs, alcohol, and clubs I keep to the side as a little reminder of what not to do. Considering the total is in the thousands, I think I’m alright now. I had my fun and now I want nothing to do with that lifestyle. The money is gone, but I’m better now than I have been ever in life. For that, I’m thankful — quite thankful.
2019: remain thankful.
Self-improvement doesn’t come in large leaps. Baby steps are needed before you reach the other side. I don’t need anyone to help me get up when I fall. Take the road less traveled and hope you make it in one piece. Who really knows what they’re doing in life anyway. I do me and I don’t expect everyone to support all my endeavors or figure out what makes me tick.