Snowballing 1/5/2019

The roles of my job are quite demanding — which is an understatement this week. I guess I have nothing to really complain about other than the exhaustion I feel at the end of the day. I leave whenever I want and get to take half days to go handle personal matters — all paid. Relaxing is difficult and I wish I was better at this. I think most people sit around the couch and watch Netflix after work, but I’m not one to just sit. I spend all day sitting in front of my MacBook. It seems counterproductive to do that some more at home. Hell, I only use my computer for work and nothing else if I think about it. Note to self: use computer as a tax write off. Got it.

I truthfully hate being at home. There isn’t much to do and I’m practically devoid of any alone time. I think that’s something people take for granted when they have their own room. Just to sit and dwell on your thoughts without any distractions. It’s almost like a form of meditation and it’s quite nice. I often like places where there’s no one around, but myself. It could be an empty street, a lonely park, or a drive somewhere where people aren’t out — it’s all very zen and I like it. For these reasons, I spent a lot of time just sitting in my car — much to the suspicion of my overly conservative neighbors. They stare a lot, but I stare back. Ha.

My thoughts like to wander when I have nothing to do. Think a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger as more snow accumulates. Most my thoughts are center around three topics: nihilism, depression, and loneliness. They usually involve the past and someone I wish I saw more often. If you spend enough time thinking, you tend to have a new perspective on someone — which I always welcome. Your opinions change the longer you know someone, and often, it’s not always positive. There’s a lot you overlook and give a pass to. You need to see someone from all sides. Best that can happen is you realize where they’re coming from and become a bit less judgmental.

“In utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable.” — John Steinbeck

I believe no one really gets me. A lot of the people whom I’m close with don’t have these same thoughts. For that, I feel like the lone wolf in the pack. I have friends and text a handful everyday, yet I feel alone. How odd. I’m use to this already. You can’t expect someone to be just like you. My friends tend to agree for the sake of agreeing. Why on Earth would they opt to disagree? Fuck it. Guess I’m weird then.

The past few days I have been pretty rough on me. I did some things — not always to the benefit of my health. It’s a slow move up coming in from January. I tend to think the year peaks around June and July, with a slowdown until December — parabolic in nature. It’s not to say I’m any less optimistic. I’m just real. I’ve already let myself down, but all I’ll do is move forward. I truthfully need to be more careful with my work schedule or risk feeling severely depressed again. My work ethic is a bit too strong and overpowering, even when my body tells me otherwise.

Should I drink? No.

Later world.


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