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Why Go On? 1/4/2019

If you’re opposed to living, I’ll offer my sincerest thoughts on living. Life fucking blows sometimes and anyone who tells you it’s all rainbows and fairy dust is full of themselves. In its most essential form, I’m thankful to be alive and well. It’s not everyday you wake up wondering how you’ve made it this far in life. I’ve had a few close brushes with death in my lifetime. I’ve counted four separate occasions where I majorly fucked up and almost died from my transgressions. You would think you’d learn after the first couple close calls, but I digress. People only change under the most unusual circumstances. I’m fucking stubborn — can you really blame me for the not seeing the light just yet?

After my last three near ODs and one almost drowning, something clicked in the labyrinth of my head. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste and I’m able to attest to that. They say you see a white light in the moments leading up to your death and in my experience, it’s quite true. It’s the reality of almost dying — your mind goes on this infinite replay in reverse — much like a VCR. You remember times long since forgotten, days you had yet to fully comprehend, and you yourself is an audience your own life. It’s a trip — if that isn’t some major understatement to almost dying. I didn’t reach out towards the light. I wasn’t ready just yet. No one is or should be. There’s much to do and yet to accomplish.

What did I learn from my near bouts of death? Realistically, nothing more than I had imagined it to go. The following day comes and goes, the sun sets and rises, and the need to get off my ass to go to work remains. Perspective is everything and I’m certain mines is a bit more skewed because of it. Old habits need changing, you develop a greater sense of purpose and the reason for living in the modern world somehow becomes more paramount. You live knowing what death feels like and now try to prevent it to the extent you’re fully capable of.

Life’s a bitch. For these reasons, I don’t fear death, I welcome it.

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