My beloved Grandma told me on Thanksgiving she knows I’m the one who cares and loves her the most in the family. It was beautiful to hear, more so to spend the day with her ensuring she’s not alone. You can say I redeemed myself for all those years I let slip by — salvation even. She remembers the day I arrived in America and I called out for Grandpa and Grandma. I was just 3 years old, yet, I remember it too. It brought a tear to her seeing how old I’ve gotten. Gone are the days of cooking me breakfast and walking me to school. I’m thankful she’s been essential to my upbringing for so long and I have all these memories to keep.
But my Grandma is getting old. She’s pushing 80 and broke to me the hard truth — she doesn’t see herself around in the next few years. Having her tell me the truth shook me to my core. It bothers me to no end. It’s a constant reminder how little time I have with her. It’s the sad reality and I can’t bare the thought.
I’ve planned to buy a condo or house by 2022 and naively thought I was ahead. To my friends, I suppose I am. However, the end should be less important than the journey that brought me there. I just want to share in the moment with her. For some time, I’ve had this perfectly planned phone call. Upon closing on the condo or house, I would call her. I’d asked how her day is, what she’s up to, and surprise her by saying I did it. I can imagine her voice and excitement from the good news. To me, it would be relief and a several tears. Once I’m settled in, I’d bring her over. I’d open the door and let her walk in first to see what my years of planning brought me. It’s joy, excitement, relief, tears, salvation and redemption at the highest magnitude. I could die a happy man if this happens. Her opinion is supreme and this no different.
A few years to me seems like a nothing, yet, my Grandma doesn’t have that luxury. If I could stop time just for her I’d trade my time for hers. I’m running out of time — and it doesn’t sit too nicely in my thoughts. I’ve always said death brings urgency and this Thanksgiving, it resonates all too loudly. My love for her and anyone I care about is everlasting, but time is of the essence. I want a cheat, more time, a few extra lives, a time machine, more money now… I could go on. It’s ambition that drives me — but I blindly follow through the unknown life brings.
The last few years I’ve haven’t fallen short the least bit. Much has been accomplished for my own personal fulfillment, yet the grand scheme isn’t about me. Is so she knows I did it. It’s so she knows I’m ready to take on the world. It’s so she knows I’m a man and not a little boy. My Grandma is everything and my god, I hope and pray I have more time with her.
Life is inherently unfair, but doesn’t mean I won’t make my journey fighting and pushing forward. The very people you love are always the first to go and its wrath shows no mercy. It’s not my idealistic optimistic appraisal, but life always has a set a new challenges with every turn. All I can do is stick to my instincts and remain mindful of my actions. I tend to think about the past a great deal to keep me grounded in reality. You can say that keeps me from forgetting memories that I hold dear.
To live is to share in the moment with your loved ones. Friends, family, the only woman I’ve ever loved… It’s a race against time to make memories.