Searchlight for One


Happiness has been elusive this time of the year — more so than any other year I can recall in recent memory. This maybe due to my constant drinking and smoking in previous years that acted to numb my thoughts — go figure. I made a few lifestyle changes with the recommendations from my friends.

  • no longer eat out most of the week
    • This bums me out immensely. I like eating at restaurants. I haven’t had anything fried, greasy, or Mexican food (my absolute favorite) all week. I feel great and have more energy. I’m saving a ton of money — which is nice.
  • less caffeine
    • I drink a ton of coffee. I usually have one in the morning, several cups of tea in the afternoon, and some days, another coffee when I work late. Yikes, I know.
  • to be by myself
    • My friends and I have this group chat going on for several years now. I don’t think there has been a day where we didn’t text each other if that seems amazing. I care for all of them and wouldn’t hesitate to jump in front of car or take a bullet for anyone, but its time I went offline. I need time for myself and only I can find the light at the end of the tunnel. They don’t have the best habits and can’t possibly know what’s best 100% of the time. It’s just the truth.
  • no outside help a.k.a. cheating
    • I stopped taking my pills and refused to pickup my medication at the local CVS. I did pay for a visit to my doctor; that’s money wasted, but I’ve come to realize I need to quit while I’m ahead. I risk falling into the rabbit hole and another hard set back. My friend (in all his words of wisdom) suggested I pick it up and sell them for profit. Ha. No, motherfucker. This goes back to my previous point, I do need to be alone from everyone. If my motivation to just quit cold turkey and go through withdrawals isn’t a testament to my will, I don’t know what is.
  • worry less about finishing the goal
    • I reached most my goals this year and felt only a momentary happiness. I’m so caught up at reaching the finish line, I forget it’s not about the end, but what I do to reach there. I’ll have to remain mindful and not let my ambition get the better of me. I’ve made a few new goals for next year:
      • pay off my entire student loan by Q1 2019
        • It’s not a lot — if you consider less than $8K “not that much”. I’ll make one large payment and get rid of this gentle reminder of my time at Santa Barbara once and for all. Let go of the past.

As the year winds down and things at my office finally start slowing down, I’m hopeful for the new year to be even better than this one. I’m ready to go up and up. Just try and stop me.

Later world.

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