Facing the Void

disappointment: the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.

My mind is chaotic at best. Some days I have these never ending thoughts of disappointment — not so much with myself, but with others. I know in the past and even in the present, I’ve let some of my most cherished friends and family down. I feel their hopes in me dwindle — whether they’re willing to admit it or not. Eyes are a gateway into a person’s soul and all too often, I bare the responsibility for it. Arguments are heated and can easily turn violent — even into a falling out.

I don’t fear disappointment from my friends or family letting me down — I fear not meeting my own. Some nights while I lay on my couch, I can’t help but think not I’m living up to the person I want to be. It all seems like a dream and I have yet to wake up. Blue pill or red pill or a dream within a dream. Does this all matter? What is it for? Who really cares? Why does anything matter? I want too much, more than is needed to be happy, yet the void grows bigger every year. I’m searching in the darkness and without anyone to guide me.

I’ll admit I have a difficult time finding my own happiness with every passing year. Better job, more income, and retail therapy just doesn’t cut it anymore. My 10+ hour work days recently has gotten me thinking too much about the numbers in my bank account and neglecting the ones who love me.

“You’re too fixated.”

“You’re too narrow minded on the end goal.”

They’re all true to some degree. I want an easy escape and I find myself falling back to old habits that I swore would never return to. My persistent cough these couple months speaks volumes on just how much I “love work. I should know when to stop and give myself and mind a break, but don’t — you can say I need help with that. Work is an escape from your own troubling thoughts after all.

I weighed myself recently and I’m somehow ten pounds lighter. I find myself so caught up in work I neglect to eat or find time of my own to unwind from a long day. I’m a walking disaster in that regard and shouldn’t be. Worrisome. It’s too easy to lose your health with all the crap we put into our body. I eat out more than 3 times out of the week, which shocks many of my co-workers. Maybe that’s why everyone asks me for recommendations on restaurants. Thankfully, I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in me or a puff from a cigarette all year.

My neighbors who use to live next door had the most beautiful garden of flowers and roses imaginable. There’s something quite calming and soothing knowing nature can create such things for us to enjoy — and without a penny spent. I wake up early so I can sit and admire them for what they are. It saddens me they both have long since passed away, but their garden remains just as they left them. They were married for over 50 years and I saw their love for each other every chance I got to speak to them. That was truly a sight to behold.

Perhaps I need to stop and smell the roses.

I find that I derive most of my happiness from making others happy. Something as a simple car ride, a dollar for the less fortunate, or a plane ticket for my best friend so we can all be together puts the biggest smile on my face. I love their laughter because it’s contagious. I feel their love and joy knowing I went out my way to help them out. Their happiness is my happiness and that’s been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. Knowing they’re there to listen to whatever outlandish comments I make or jokes is icing in the cake.

One of my friends asked me, “All this year, you had more than a few women interested in you and didn’t want to just get with one of them?” I found his comments insulting even though he didn’t mean it that way. Why be with someone just for the heck of it? I don’t want or care for a relationship just because she throws herself at me. To be in a relationship like that is a sham — whether or not it delights her. Outward beauty is just looks and makeup. My eyes might find that appealing, but that will never be the sole reason you “win me over”. You could be the most beautiful thing on Earth, but if it doesn’t run skin deep, I’ll have to politely decline.

I find intelligence and engaging thoughtful conversations the most attractive quality in a woman. There aren’t too many like that out there. You can me picky like my friend, but that’s just the truth.

I don’t need saving or a life raft at sea. The current will take me somewhere eventually, It’s just a matter of finding the shore. If I’m fortunate to be a castaway alone on a deserted island with nothing but my thoughts and the ocean for as far as the eye can see, maybe I’ll find the answer to everything. With a place like that, all you have is time and none of the problems that come with everyday living. No 9-5, bills to pay, or the temptations of vices.

I have ambitions dreams for being so young and I know I’ll reach them one way or another, but at what cost? I can admit I can sometimes not give someone I care about enough of my undivided attention when my day is hectic and there’s a mountain of work to be done. It’s the problem with living life.

To want to be there for them at all times, but baring the responsibility of a demanding job where the company is at stake. People depend on me and although they’ve expressed their gratitude, it takes time away of my own with my friends or loved ones. I can’t imagine being in a relationship for this very reason unless we reach profitability at the company and my own dreams are reached. It’s selfish and self centered and I don’t expect anyone to completely understand where I’m coming from. I’m so close. Just a couple more years from my guess, but I know once I somehow “make it” it’s not without its’ few shares of consequences or regrets. If they, she, or whoever it may be understands, then great. You’re one in a million and I hope I never let you go.

The void seems less frightening knowing they’re around, but I’m still wandering — yet to find the one.

Not all who wander are lost, but someday I hope I’m not alone in the journey we call life.

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