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Fear, Anger and Me

It’s 1 AM. The rain drops are hitting the roof of my car. It’s nice actually. I find this kind of weather a welcome change to the blistering heat and sunshine California is known for. As I sit alone in my car, I can’t help but fear for the future. I’m far from perfect. The only difference separating me from the next guy over is I’m honest about it.

I fear not death nor what the future holds for my life. I fear commitment. It’s bothersome to say the least. The thought of having to spend your life with someone is hard to rationalize. Will she love me then as she does now? Love comes and goes and all too often, marriages and relationships crumble. My parents are witness to this. My uncle’s candid comments about my aunt push me away from the thought of settling down. He makes six figures but has all the traits of a man who is not content with life or his wife. It’s sad to see much less to hear in person.

What can I do about it? Am I just as likely to end up like him or them? Every relationship has its ups and downs. I know that to be certain. Yet, knowing won’t stop it from happening. It’s naive you’ll live happily ever after once you tie the knot with the future Misses. Add a child in the equation and it only complicates matters more.

Fear leads to anger and I’m no stranger to it. It gets the better of me — pushing me off into uncontrollable rage. It’s terrifying. My last girl friend saw it once or twice. The scared look in her eye as I lashed back with my onslaught of words never did leave my mind even though 5+ years has gone by. I get mad and it’s an understatement.

You only do what you see. All my life I saw the rage my God awful parents possessed. They’re fucking monsters who carry little responsibility for their actions. Fuck that. My mom once told me I’ll turn out just like them in the heat of the moment. I know that won’t ever be the case, but it’s stuck with me ever since.

To love to is to hold on even as times have fallen and I’m not sure if I can let someone know all of me just yet. We all have different sides to our personalities and the one I never let public is anger. It’s toxic to everyone and anything. It’s sheer terror for the eyes and ears. Uncivil and barbaric even.

If I truly think someone is the one, how would I let her see all of me? Danny versus Daniel isn’t two names of the same person. One use to abuse drugs and alcohol, while the other puts in ten hour work days all week. My former self OD and almost died 3 times. Once from drowning. That part of my life was uncontrollable and self destructive and I feel a small sense of guilt for letting my relationships crumble. Daniel on the other hand wants to settle down, save up $100K to buy a condo, and live the dream. Who am I really?

All I can assume is if I’m honest with her or everyone, my life will turn out just fine. I pray this is true. In the end, if honesty and sincerity can let me live the life I want what will?

Later world.

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She Thinks I’m Stupid

It truly amazes me how obvious their intentions really are. Do you think I’m stupid? I call it like I see it. Until then, I sincerely hope people like her get it together and stop harassing me.

Later world.

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This Isn’t It

I’ve spent a good part of my life chasing money. And right now, it all doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

The homeless in Old Town only have two things to occupy their mind: when will I eat and where will I sleep. I handed one gentleman $40 and yet I feel I’m no better off than they are.

I should be thankful. I can buy anything to my hearts content and then some. Blessed even.

You grow up not having anything and wanting everything. Being jealous and envy those who always had it all. Suddenly this isn’t it.

I feel like I need to sell everything I have and liquidate all my holdings. Have it all stashed in the bank and move away from this town I’ve known my entire life. It bores me immensely. Isn’t that what everyone wants at one time or another? To leave it all behind you and give it another go. Maybe move to Portland or Seattle — somewhere far far away.

I need a drink.

Later world.

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October 8, 2012 at 12:20 PM

My dearly beloved,
Every passing glance is an eternity of anguish,
Chance encounters and looks of a far is torment for the eyes,
Perhaps I’ll disappear like a forgotten star.
Farewell.

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An Extra $30,000

For the past year and a half, I’ve been trying to get a job with LA County doing IT. How does one get a job such as that? I have two words: a hookup. My Uncle works for the city as a CTO and he’s been trying hard to get me in doing anything. I feel absolutely blessed and thankful he’s willing to do this for me. It truly warms my heart knowing he’s looking out.

That’s not to say this is an easy task. I just spent the better part of 3 hours trying to stop this program from crashing and it’s absolutely infuriating. Download the latest version, download an older version, install, reinstall, fix the registry… nothing fucking works. The starting salary is an extra $30,000 over what I make at my current job with all the benefits one expects as a worker for the city. It’s pretty sweet, or at least on paper.

He tells me if we make it happen, I’ll have to drop everything I’m doing and switch careers. I’ll need to be trained one-on-one a la shadowed by him or his team and expect no preferential treatment. I even told him I would not feel right being treated any other way. The thought of giving up what I know and do best now for more money makes me a bit uneasy. Sacrifices need to be made and I suppose this is no different.

It’s naive to think you’ll make ends meet or make shit happen by getting the job you’ve always wanted. For the longest time this was squarely marketing and e-commerce. It’s strictly behind the scenes and in front of a computer screen devoid of any nagging people. The county job might as well be glorified customer service and tech support. The thought of having to drive in traffic to downtown LA and deal with the tech-illiterate for 8 hours a day makes me cringe.

Is it worth the headaches and teeth grinding? You tell me.

Later world. It’s going to be another long night…

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We Jumped But I Downed

On one faithful Saturday evening, after one too many, our thrill seeking dangerously got the best of us. “Come with me and let’s jump,” you said. My instinct said no, but my mind said, “fuck it.” Without even a chance to respond, you made it a dare. “What are you scared?” you asked. It was just the two of us, high above the water. You wore a flower print dress. Somehow foreshadowing the events that would take place soon.

1… 2… 3… Go.

Into the water we fell. As we hit the surface, we were submerged six feet under. The color blue surrounded us as did the bitter cold feeling and gust of wind. You would emerge, but I did not. I sank lower and lower until the surface was gone. Death came knocking and had me tethered to the bottom closer to hell.

Sometimes you get lucky. Later world.

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A Balancing Act

For the first time for what I can recall, my work life has interfered with my social life with my best friends. While they wanted me to go with them to Sacramento for a mini road trip of sorts, work at the office as a director-director has me firmly grounded. I’m a little shocked at this turn of events. Disappointed even. I guess the pursuit of my own dreams and goals takes precedence over them.

The squad — minus me. Hmmm. Go figure. Julian said I shared the wealth by sending Garza all that money without so much as a hesitation or second thought. Maybe he’s right. I am selfless, but that feeling of letting them down won’t go away.

I’ve surprised myself a lot this year. Every hurdle, every obstacle, I’ve made it through. I felt like I’ve gotten even closer with my friends and our bond is unbreakable. I’ve been completely blunt and honest with them as they have with me even as we had a few back and forths. My goals have gotten exponentially more ambitious and so have my planning abilities. You can say I went all in. I’m real in that sense.

I stand in the darkness of night.

Looking at the moon.

Chasing dreams in la la land.

To someday make it the city of roses.

It’s just one town over.

All so I can feel like I’m somebody.

Sincerity is truly paramount.

Later world. I’m fucking exhausted and pray this works out in the end. Putting in over 10 hour work days all week might of gotten me sick.

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Sunsets on the Promenade

You came into my world under the most unusual circumstances, yet I was never searching for someone.¬†You pushed me to do more and yet all the gifts and laughs we shared never could change your mind. We walked along the beach discussing the future together and how magical life would be just the two us. It was bliss. You picked out a name and I picked out a ring. There were many topics I couldn’t keep secret, yet it only made you love me more. The delight in your eyes never faded no matter the time of day. We went everywhere in town together holding hands and felt like nothing else mattered. Peer on to the boulevard and tip toe into the promenade — walk into the sunset and bask in the feeling of love.

But soon it was crashing. My car wreck foreshadowed our demise. Like with all beginnings, everything soon came to end. You became the very thing I swore to avoid and despise. Your attitude was harsh, your words felt like an assault, and I could not bare to look at you. Let me be — yet you were inescapable. It pains me to know you became a torment in life and a source of anger. You felt my wrath. You felt my misery. You wanted a monster and it walked out from the darkness. Nights became colder — the moonlight was fading and my soul emptied. You left my conscious and one day I knew it was the end. My feelings were gone — only fitting for the coldest winter nights.

One phone call later, I breathed a sight of relief and you felt unspeakable pain. Tears ran down your face and you sobbed uncontrollably. You unleashed your anger upon me. I listened one last time and didn’t bat an eye. I felt sorrow. I felt grief. I was alone in paradise with no one to keep me company. Four seasons, 3 break ups, and almost one ring later — we were no longer together.

 

 

 

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Plans Change

At the beginning of this year, I had a job making just a paltry $15 an hour surrounded by what I can best describe as — a bunch of fucking morons. Not really the best way to start the new year off. No one finished high school and anyone that was going to college essentially total me they’re half-assing it. Right — you do you boo boo. There was one guy in particular that always weirded me out. He reeked of alcohol, always asked a few eyebrow raising questions and insisted on wanting to know how many bitcoins I had. In my head, I had one constant question, “How the fuck did my education land me here with these losers?” I think the only redeeming factor of this job was lunch was provided and that saved me ten bucks a day. Was it worth working there? Not a fucking chance. Naturally, I got laid off because “I did not vibe with them.” Whatever. I’m not going to dumb myself down to have you like me motherfucker.

Towards March, I grew tired of my work environment and thought of other options. I put all my finances together and realized I could pay off the entirety of my student loan (and then some) and go back to school to get my masters in Computer Information Systems. Cal State Long Beach was the first pick and I even spoke with an advisor there regarding admission and costs. All that was needed was just shy of $30,000 and two letters of recommendation from someone in a related field. I could get a private loan with a interst rate well below 10% with my credit score. Piece of cake if I think about it. I knew just from the required classes, this was not going to be insanely difficult and high level math courses weren’t required. If I did the accelerated program, I could finish in about a year and a half.

Like most everything I do, I ran it by my friends for their opinion. No one said to go and do it. Why? Cost, time, and a general distain for school. I didn’t exactly expect them to push for it. We’re talking about three guys who usually talk about memes, video games, and other bro-talk on the daily. I told myself if I didn’t find a better job in two weeks, I would liquidate my stock portfolio and cryptocurrency holdings to wipe away over $10,000 in debt. The clock was ticking and fuck me was I a bit uneasy at the thought.

Three job interviews later and through forces unknown, I did find a better job — one that paid a salary with full benefits. It’s the one I’m currently at and it’s going great. No complaints really. Monthly bonuses are pretty nice especially if its almost four digits. I dig it. My boss seems like genuinely a nice guy and no one here gives me a weird vibe. One guy here likes to ask me for life advice on the daily since he’s so much younger than anyone. He even told me he feels better about everything since we’ve gotten to talk. I’m pleasantly surprised my outlook on life made a positive impact on him.

Plans change. Not like that makes me feel bad about not following through with getting a masters. Like everything in life, you’ll have to find your way somehow. Life has its ups and downs and I felt like 2018 was going to be awful. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. It might just be my best year yet. In all honesty, I still want to go and get my masters. Why? I like a good challenge. It would be nice to tell someone I have 3 associates, 2 bachelors¬†and a masters. Like that wouldn’t impress someone.

Later world.

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To Live is to Miss Everyone

I think social media does more harm than good. For everything else, there’s this. To live is to miss those you wish you saw more often.

Later world.