Fear, Anger and Me

It’s 1 AM. The rain drops are hitting the roof of my car. It’s nice actually. I find this kind of weather a welcome change to the blistering heat and sunshine California is known for. As I sit alone in my car, I can’t help but fear for the future. I’m far from perfect. The only difference separating me from the next guy over is I’m honest about it.

I fear not death nor what the future holds for my life. I fear commitment. It’s bothersome to say the least. The thought of having to spend your life with someone is hard to rationalize. Will she love me then as she does now? Love comes and goes and all too often, marriages and relationships crumble. My parents are witness to this. My uncle’s candid comments about my aunt push me away from the thought of settling down. He makes six figures but has all the traits of a man who is not content with life or his wife. It’s sad to see much less to hear in person.

What can I do about it? Am I just as likely to end up like him or them? Every relationship has its ups and downs. I know that to be certain. Yet, knowing won’t stop it from happening. It’s naive you’ll live happily ever after once you tie the knot with the future Misses. Add a child in the equation and it only complicates matters more.

Fear leads to anger and I’m no stranger to it. It gets the better of me — pushing me off into uncontrollable rage. It’s terrifying. My last girl friend saw it once or twice. The scared look in her eye as I lashed back with my onslaught of words never did leave my mind even though 5+ years has gone by. I get mad and it’s an understatement.

You only do what you see. All my life I saw the rage my God awful parents possessed. They’re fucking monsters who carry little responsibility for their actions. Fuck that. My mom once told me I’ll turn out just like them in the heat of the moment. I know that won’t ever be the case, but it’s stuck with me ever since.

To love to is to hold on even as times have fallen and I’m not sure if I can let someone know all of me just yet. We all have different sides to our personalities and the one I never let public is anger. It’s toxic to everyone and anything. It’s sheer terror for the eyes and ears. Uncivil and barbaric even.

If I truly think someone is the one, how would I let her see all of me? Danny versus Daniel isn’t two names of the same person. One use to abuse drugs and alcohol, while the other puts in ten hour work days all week. My former self OD and almost died 3 times. Once from drowning. That part of my life was uncontrollable and self destructive and I feel a small sense of guilt for letting my relationships crumble. Daniel on the other hand wants to settle down, save up $100K to buy a condo, and live the dream. Who am I really?

All I can assume is if I’m honest with her or everyone, my life will turn out just fine. I pray this is true. In the end, if honesty and sincerity can let me live the life I want what will?

Later world.

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