The end to 2018 is nearing and with that, colder weather, and a slight bit of daily depression. I blame seasonal affect disorder, but I hear it’s somewhat common. I’m not sure what to think really. The weather affects your mood and that’s unsettling. A lot is going to happen before the year ends. I’ll have my Lasik procedure done in exactly one week. It terrifies me to think a laser will be reshaping my eye to focus better. The chances of it going wrong are very slim, but it’s not impossible. Fingers crossed. I get one Xanax before the procedure to calm my nerves — which is better than being filled with anxiety. I blame that one scene in Final Destination for fucking me up as a kid.
I think by December I’ll have clear braces to fix my teeth. It’s a win-lose if I think about it. Win in that you have straight teeth, lose in that you’ll have 6 months of mild discomfort and a lisp when speaking. Fuck. I like to talk and a lot. Staying quiet isn’t what I’m a good at the least bit.
End of the year blues are no joke. I know I can rationalize or list out all the shit I’ve accomplished this year and have my friends tell me, “Dude! Nice. You got a lot done.” Something along those lines, I’m sure of it. But your mind tells you otherwise. I spend an inordinate amount of time contemplating life and I feel it’s only made my intrusive thoughts more frequent. Dissatisfied is best to put it. For all the time I spend reading about philosophy and writing, I wish my head had an off button. In the past, alcohol worked perfectly to sedate your troubles. Now, without it, I’m kind of at a loss. Should I pick it right back up once my 1 year pledge is over? One can’t hurt, right? But fuck me. I know one turns to six in a couple hours and I’ll have a bottle of vodka all to myself.
What the fuck. I need a chill pill from life. Maybe ignorance is truly bliss. I’m dreaming too much and it’s time to wake up.
Unrelated, but my co-worker asked me, “If the world was ending, how would you remain optimistic?”
My response, “I’ll give you a hug. If it all ends, we end it together. We won’t die alone.”
She was floored.