vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
For all that’s going well in my life, some days I wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiousness — almost like nothing matters. Vulnerable. It’s the torment of existing in the present world. To be doing fairly well for yourself, but somehow not have that realization. I have my best friends to support me and offer their guidance, but even then, days turn to weeks. Dread. I don’t understand what is wrong with me and I’m bothered beyond just a simple grievance in life. I should be content and excited, yet there is none.
My friends have told me repeatedly, I have it pretty good.
- I’m director of e-commerce
- a business card to match
- monthly bonuses every paycheck
- on salary, not hourly
- full health care with dental
- nice car
- money saved and invested
- actively pursuing my own goals in life
But do I? The void never seems to close and that hasn’t changed all year. For every obstacle in life, an even bigger one is just a few steps ahead. The trail turns to a dirt road and the road turns into a bridge. The bridge holds one and soon you’ll need to climb a mountain to reach the other side. It’s life. The universe will try to fuck you and it will succeed if you let it.
But life needs challenges and grief to build character. You can’t live having everything handed to you. Time is of the essence and the timer is running low. The urgency to do what I want when I want is now, not later. I want everything I ever dreamed of as a kid, yet the one battle I feel I’m at odds at is my own mind. You can fend off everyone in your path and yet you lose against yourself. I’ve fallen off the horse and I don’t want to get back on.
The issue with finishing goals is just that, the end. It’s accomplishing and fulfilling, yet it all comes to a close. You can’t help but feel a bit sad, but then again, this might be unique to my experience. You work so hard and just like that, it’s no longer a goal but one you reached. Gone is the motivation and need for accomplishment. You have to find another goal to reach. We spend all our lives chasing one thing or another, but we cannot anticipate the feelings of loss when it all we reach the climax.
Are all the things I’ve worked for just that? Material possessions? Are goals merely to give a feeling of purpose within ones’ lifetime? Am I chasing the right goals? To dream for what can be makes us human. To dread existing is fearing to be alive. Vulnerability is beautiful. This year is going great, yet why can’t I see it that way?
I only like the beginnings and not the end.