There’s No Going Back

I wanted a fresh start, okay? I’m entitled to that.”
– Betty

“There is no fresh start! Lives carry on.”
– Henry Francis

These two quotes come from Mad Men. It’s stuck with me ever since. The desire to want a new start, but knowing there is no such thing. The want in forgetting trauma, sadness, and grief is only naturally part of living. They say time heals all — maybe.

Why cheat? Life has ups and downs. For some, more downs than up. Such pain in living brings character and better mechanisms for coping later on. If I could rewrite every chapter in my life, would I?

Fuck no. Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it weren’t for pain. All that brings pleasure is not all good. I never did like hedonism.

What am I to make of this year? 20 fucking 18. Two thousand and eighteen. I’ve been alive for almost 27 years and the apex is near. This month has tested me to my limits and maybe more than one can handle. I’ve reached every goal I set forth, how can the future not be within reach?

“My life only goes in one direction. Forward.”

– Don Draper

Life is much like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Some days, the weather and water is calm, quiet, and serene. Other days, the waters are chaotic and rough. Those days you’re at risk of tipping over. You come close, but never do. What lingers is the shock. Trauma even.

Those who rough it out with you are there til the end. Others jump overboard, bail, and aren’t part of the voyage. You miss them, a lot. You want them to stay because the waters always return to being calm. But it’s too late. Not a life raft or float can save them. Some have drifted far away in the ocean.

What matters is knowing who’s still around for the voyage. Perhaps my destiny is to be a castaway with the ones who stick around.

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