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The Bane of My Existence

If you spend your entire existence harboring anger and resentment, is it worth living? To continue? Is your life really worth all that time preoccupied with those types of emotions? Hostility is sometimes warranted. By all means we need it to live, but how long is too long? If you wake up and smell the roses every once in a while, you might see that in the end, why even be angry? Life is great if your perception matches what you want. Yet for some, hate is all they know and that’s just sad to think.

If you’re one of two people who spend their entire lives tormenting my existence, do me a favor and fuck off. It’s easy. Just don’t try to talk to me. I’ve already done that for many years. It’s an easy middle ground, next to me completely walking out and never looking to return. I offer you money in the tens of thousands, a new car, a home of your own, and in the end, it’s somehow isn’t good enough. Are you fucking kidding me?

Some people only want to be angry and I won’t stop you if you can’t see it any other way. Stay angry, but don’t be surprised if we don’t miss you when you’re gone.

Later world.

 

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Good Deeds

I don’t consider myself that well off, but today I was reminded just how fortunate I have it. My two co-workers whom are brothers were going back and forth on who fills up on gas next.

They both realize they have zero dollars to their name. It makes sense now, considering they didn’t buy food like they normally do. They opted to eat whatever we had in the fridge and kitchen.

I offered my credit card without a second thought. Shocked is the best way to describe their reaction.

“Wait, are you for real?”

“Yeah, just go. I got you.”

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I don’t see $35 as all that much money to be honest. Just like that, someone’s day got a lot better. And for what? Less than forty dollars. If we don’t help the less fortunate, what are we as people?

Later world.

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Loving Now vs. Later

Love can be quite fickle. It comes and goes like the changing tides or the passing moon. We long for it and to feel its’ warm embrace. It’s an indescribable feeling that words can’t fully comprehend no matter how much you think of it. It’s addicting and as vulnerable as an open wound. That’s the beauty in it all. We knowingly let ourselves have vulnerability to be fully in love.

To love when you’re young is easy. It swiftly overtakes your mind body and soul. The feeling of butterflies inside comes to mind. It locks you in tightly and controls your actions. Your mind dwells on past, present, and future with her — together. Roses are red and violets are blue. Because it’s new and you’re young, you hope the feeling lasts forever — an eternity even. You carve your name and hers inside a heart at your favorite tree. The tree gets taller every year and the leaves wither and fall, yet your names stand the test of time.

Young love is the kind books and poems are written from. It’s as pure and innocent as any raw emotion can be. We’re too naive to see the coming end. It never lasts no matter how much we wanted it to be — to be the one. We’ve all wanted the first love to be it.

But we get older and some years slower than others. It’s not just the 2nd or 3rd love now. We give love more time and effort because we’ve felt the sting vulnerability brings. The pain of having it all fall apart when we desperately wanted it. Proceed with caution. It’s not overwhelming you — not for some years. Loving now requires true commitment. It’s not as simple as two people who happen to like each other. Lives are intersecting and meeting at the path in the forest. You can’t love for selfish reasons anymore. To love now is to let go of what you want so she can have what she wants.

Later world.

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Thoughts on Family

Although my dad embodies everything I don’t want to be, sometimes he gets it right. Growing up, he was arrogant, angry, and generally short-tempered with everyone. He knew a lot of people — many of whom were female. It’s funny. It wasn’t until a few years ago that it occurred to me he was flirtatious a majority of the time. Go figure. His poor behavior was so common it became the norm.

Had it not for him, I might not know how to properly treat a woman. Just don’t do what he does essentially. You can say he unknowingly leads by example in his own twisted fucked up way.

He is and always will be my least favorite person in existence. Even so, he did manage to get my mom’s side of the family immigrated here to the states. Remarkably, he did it all by himself without knowing any English. It’s an accomplishment over 10 years in the making. Apparently, he spent over $30,000 just on fees during the process. Where he came up with that kind of money is beyond me. We may never see eye-to-eye on anything for as long as we both are alive, but I’ll give credit where credit is due.

My dad brought the family together and my mom greater happiness than she’s ever felt. Their marriage might be rocky at best, but I know deep down, he cared enough to follow through. For that, he’s alright. You can say he made up for it in the best way possible. Tonight, he even wore that red Lacoste shirt I bought him a few years back during dinner.

Later world.

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Growing Discontentment

discontentment: lack of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation; lack of contentment.
a) a sense of grievance; dissatisfaction
the winter of our discontent —William Shakespeare
b) restless aspiration for improvement

I’ll call it byproduct of growing older, but nothing seems all that interesting — it’s a little disheartening. I should be excited about life, but I’m not. Discontent. Has abstaining from drugs and alcohol devoid me of any excitement? Shit. Maybe. I’m about to make this company somewhere between 1-3 million dollars a year and I get 3% commission from all online sales. It’s safe to say I’m stuck here for the forseeable future as e-commerce director. Who would complain with sales projections that high? Nada.

I should be thrilled my paycheck is growing in the coming months, but I’m indifferent. Remember what Biggie said, “More money mo’ problems.” Amen to that. It’s true though. The more money you make, the more problems you face. Life is infinitely more complex when there’s more money in the picture. It can only make you so much happiness before it loses its touch. Money stopped making me happy years ago. Now it’s just that number in the five digit range listed under “Savings”. At this rate, I’ll have my own condo in Pasadena in no time. It would be really sexy to tell someone I’m seeing, “Yeah, I bought this place.” That’s the whole idea in a nutshell. Do well enough and show it to someone who may be the future spouse. It’s convoluted, but a man can only go so far with dates and gifts. You’ll need that final push to really win her over — if there is such a thing.

That’s exciting to think about, but with all goals, it’s a bitter sweet feeling. It’s exciting for the anticipation, but bitter sweet having it come to an end. All goals are within reach and if you obsess over them long enough, you’ll find some way to make them reality. It’s not everyday you wake up suddenly and want to buy a condo or a nicer car and as a millennial. Do what makes you happy and full of purpose. Without the motivating drive in life, what is there to living? Self-achievement can’t be overlooked and we must all have our own self-driven goals in mind. Love comes naturally, but determination is self-taught.

Just this week, I’m prepared to spend to the tune of $5000 on laser eye surgery. To be honest, I wanted this done since before high school but never had the means to — until now. I’ve been told by past girl friends I look much better without glasses and I would have to agree. Looks aside, it’s convenient not having to look for them blind as a bat every morning. Is this convenience worth five grand? Maybe, but it’s a special treat for myself. And a permanent one at that. It’s life changing and I can’t wait to get it done next month.

There’s the question about fixing my teeth. My dentist said they’re not even that bad and he assured me he’s seen some bad teeth in his day. All I need is a few cavities fixed, two wisdom teeth pulled, a bleaching, and I’m all set for Invisalign or SmileDirectClub. Once I get them in, in just 6 months of mild discomfort, my teeth will be perfectly straight. It’s shocking to see insurance cover all of this. Just incredible. This will make me vain, but I could care less about someone else’s opinion. I’ll soon fix what made me self-conscious and with that, I’ll become gain a bit more confidence in my appearance. Worst case scenario, I morph into a (bigger) asshole and have my ego take over, but I’ll have my friends to stop me.

I do splurge and on big purchases — and this is somewhat a problem. You inevitably make money to spend money. It’s the lifestyle creep that money brings. I would consider this my downfall — or something I need to work on. Priorities. Did I really need a new fully spec’d out MacBook Pro for work? Arguably, no. Windows is terrible. The keyboard given to me in the office is just awful and makes too many typos. My productivity is at an all time high now and no one can complain about that. Price for better productivity is just a cool $2100. Designer case not included.

The worst part of my week so far is forgetting I already bought new clothes that are on the way and I went and bought another set. Fuck. Me. Did I really need 3 new shirts from J. Crew? Hell no. Did I really need a Kenzo sweater and a Yohji Yamamoto t-shirt? Fuck. No. I can almost hear my friends now, “Must be good being that baller.” Say what they will, I’m trying hard to have a better life for myself. If they only knew how awful it was growing up as poor as my family did. If they only could see the terrible living situation I endured as a kid. I’m getting closer every year — or every day, but so is my discontentment. It’s growing and I hate how I can’t just be content with myself. I have all the fruits of my labor and it’s all within reach. It’s a terrible feeling to know how fortunate you have it, but not feel satisfied. Perhaps there’s more to it and the void is sucking me in closer than I realize.

Later world.

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My Other Family

My aunt, uncle, and cousins from Peru moved here recently to start a new life. They’re a bit eccentric, but I’ll pass that off as differences in culture more than anything. Oh wait, but there’s more. My aunt, uncle, and cousin from China arrived here yesterday night. Just like that, my extended family grew by 5 and 3 respectively. It’s a lot to take in and all so suddenly.

My cousin Diana (it’s not really her English name but that’s a good approximation) looks so much like me. It’s scary, but that’s to be expected. It’s exactly like that episode of The Rugrats where Tommy meets his extended family from the countryside.

All my life, I’ve only known my dad’s side of the family. My beloved grandpa and grandma, aunts and uncles are from his side. I’ve never really gave it much thought as a kid — it’s just how it was for the longest time. And I’m fine with that. They are as they’ve always been, the family I love.

Just like that, it’s all different now. Call me surprised. I’m frankly not sure how to react. Should I be excited? Happy and overjoyed? I understand we’re all blood related, but I don’t know a thing about them. Language is also an issue since my Chinese is passable at best. They went from the rural countryside to the suburbs of San Gabriel Valley. Go figure. We all live blocks away from each other so they’ll be around a whole lot. From the chats I’ve had, they’ve made it abundantly clear I’m the black sheep of the family, but I am what I am. Guess I’m subverting everyone’s expectations a bit more than they expected. I mean, I grew up here all my life. What did you really expect? Everyone thinks I’m hilarious, which is nice to hear.

Questions I’ve been asked repeatedly:

  • Why do you wear earrings?
  • What’s that necklace for?
  • Why are you so tan?
  • Are you seeing anyone?
  • Do you remember *insert random family I met as a child and obviously do not remember*?

One of best aspects of getting older is gaining new perspectives. I’m wiser and more welcoming to other outlooks. It’s a very good thing. With the additions to my family, it all kind of makes sense why my mom is the way she is. Bitter. Cold. Withdrawn. She gave up all her family to move here with my dad. When her relationship with him and everyone took a turn for the worst, I can only assume it made her very unhappy and depressed — trapped even. For that, I’ll give her a pass for being just awful and terrible for all these years. I get it now. And fuck me for suddenly realizing.

She seems a lot happier and talkative — more so than any other month or year even. Does this excuse her for being an absent mother? Nope, never. If my former years of being a Christian were anything, I’ll learn to forgive her and forget it happened. My beloved grandpa use to tell me repeatedly, “You’re stuck with them forever. Might as well try to get along or at least fake it.” With that, life is too short to go on being bitter even just a little bit. Even my mom is making a turn for the better. Guess I needed this since we all deserve to be happy.

Later world.

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“We never know when the bus is coming.”

Absolutely Beautiful

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Two-Faced

We are constantly in battle with our two selves — the light and the dark. Good and evil. The angel on one end and the devil on the other. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I know this to be true because we have all done wrong at one point. Evil is a necessary force driving reality. We strive to be more good than bad — however intrinsically true that may be. Most only show one side of themselves — think of Facebook as the best example. It’s essentially your friend’s greatest hits in digitally digestible form. We forget they only show the best of them and it’s far from a true representation of their real lives.

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The greatest evil one faces is the battle you and yourself. Who am I? I can pinpoint various states of myself. One year I was this person, a studious, and hard working individual. Another, I was reckless, disillusioned, and overcome with fear of the looming end that awaited — that feeling of emptiness lurking within. My co-workers know this to be true. They hear of the old self and wonder how this person is presented in front of them — a real far cry from the past. This isn’t without its consequences.

There’s who I am now battling against who I once was — its a state of constant unrest in the mind. Perhaps many sleepless nights and states of insomnia can be attributed to this dilemma. Only you can chose who you are, yet the old self is hard to let go, but not invincible. You can be anything you want to be, but for some it’s,

“I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

It begs the question, “Am I how I am now because I want to be or of what others think I should be?” Issues of self identity are constantly on the horizon. To make a name for yourself and to be somebody now rather than later is important. It makes the mundane have purpose as every action is now purposeful and with merit.

I wear many masks. Some more than others.

Later world.

 

 

 

 

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I’m Too Honest

I’ve been “hanging out” with this one girl — whatever that means these days. We’ve maybe had around 4 meet ups around my area, which is great and all if it weren’t for the fact she admitted she had been lying this whole time. It’s just little things here and there as she explained, but why even bother admitting it? Does it not cross their mind how upsetting that would be? If you can’t be honest with me, don’t bother being a “friend”. I absolutely cannot stand dishonesty.

I perhaps could see it from her perspective. Some people are more sensitive about what they tell you and may bend the truth to fit their narrative. Maybe they’re self-conscious about certain topics and not ready to tell you everything. Maybe they’re too preoccupied about what I think of them and a few lies slip in.

Ha. No. It’s hard to defend dishonesty when you’re on the receiving end. Just tell me you don’t want to talk about it and I’ll switch the subject. It’s really that easy. It’s a shame. Now that’s one less person in my world.

Naturally, I stopped talking to her, but then came the barrage of texts and calls. Just fucking stop, please. If she wanted to make the situation any worse, that’s how you’d do it. You can’t save this or make it any better. I’ve never felt the need to tell someone “I’m going to block you” until now. So I did. Two mouse clicks later and a few taps on the phone came sweet silence. You can be 100% honest with someone, yet they can’t do the same for you. Say it ain’t so.

Later world.

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Stardust

Think of life within the confines of space. Much of it goes unexplored and there’s only so much one can see — either from a telescope or atop a mountain. There are billions of stars out there and you’re one of them. You’re hurling towards the emptiness of space and sometimes alone. On some years, something amazing happens. Another shooting star crosses paths with you. The stars align and the universe is in your favor. For that very brief moment, you meet someone very special. You are no longer alone.

The forces of gravity lock you in and you two are now intertwined. Whether it’s at the speed of light or something faster, you two are inseparable. You now go exploring the outer reaches of space as two. Cosmic. It’s an interstellar voyage into the unknown. Everything you do and see in this time feels new because it all very much is. Some nights you peer off into the distance and see another attraction on the horizon. Maybe it’s a planet, moon or galaxy — anticipation grows. Excitement is coming. Star-crossed lovers.

Although the memories are new and the excitement grows, space is chaotic. Black holes and quasars lurk everywhere. Space debris is everywhere floating aimlessly. Unfortunately, all hidden away and ready to knock stars out of alignment. The moment comes. A collision of sorts — a black hole rips the two apart. Tragic, yet however unavoidable. Your paths now diverge and grow farther every moment. Gravity is no longer on your side. Just stardust — the memories from days past.

Like most shooting stars, they return after some period of time. Their trajectory is parabolic and will grace the same path once again in the future. Maybe the two will cross paths again, but not for a very long time. It’s an assuring feeling however small the chances. Nothing really ends if you think about it. The stars are endless after all. How alone can space really be?