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To Be Thoughtful

July 14, 2018 — I had the most wonderfully and incredibly delightful date with a certain lady I met visiting SB. She’s quite something else and that is a huge understatement. She’s kind, vastly knowledgeable about everything, and has a few tricks up her sleeve to keep me on my toes. I could listen to her talk and go off on random tangents and topics all day.

This day was date number two. I planned on taking her to a fancy and romantic Mediterranean restaurant — much to the dismay of my male counterparts. But fuck them — it’s about what I want after all. I made reservations in advance and requested to sit outside at the patio. This place is on the 2nd floor and has great views while dining outside. I fucking love that. Ambiance is important.

As fate would have it, the same day, she was elated to hear she gotten the job she wanted and at the Cheesecake Factory. Right when I heard the good news, I called the restaurant to ask for a special request — do something special knowing it’s a good day for her. They couldn’t promise anything, but would try.

Fast forward to the evening, we’re eating at the restaurant, chatting away for what felt like a couple hours. Multiple couples sitting next to our table have gone and left — four to be exact. The waiter comes out with a piece of chocolate cake and a lit candle. He asks me, “What’s the occasion?”

“She got the job she wanted.”

I could see the happiness overwhelming her body, the tears building up in her eye, the surprised look on her face. She was absolutely delighted.

She makes a wish and out goes the candle. I’m happy. She’s happy. That’s when I knew this night was going to be just perfect and all my meticulous planning and reading paid off. It’s so satisfying to see someone that happy.

Later world. Life is great and it will only get better.

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Past Future

If you could see into the future, would you do it? I think part of the marvel of living is being reminded of the unknown. It’s the dread of reality — to want the answers and reassurance, but never having it until tomorrow.

Look into the future and you may see your future love, the children you have, the house you buy, and the sadness that will eventually transpire. Would you want to find out now? Would knowing now make those happy moments in life less significant? Would it soften the blow of death and loss?

There are two constants — or at least now for the time being as someone in their late 20s. The sun rises and sets and there’s always tomorrow.

Quite frankly, that’s all I need or want to know about tomorrow and the future. I love the unknown. It’s the fuel that drives discovery. It’s the fire that lights the darkness. Every cave has stones unturned and passages not yet found, but that’s the beauty of it, walking through and wanting to explore.

Later world.

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Dentists and a Name For Myself

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. Normally, I would dread at the thought of having someone poke around in my mouth and inflicting an immense amount of discomfort, but not today. I bought (expensive) dental insurance a couple months back and I’m kinda excited to finally have, who is arguably the best guy in town, to fix my teeth. Growing up poor sucks. You eat like shit and drink sugary sodas to find enjoyment in the mundane.

This jobs has afforded me the ability to fix my smile, enroll in a gym membership, subscription boxes, possibly move out by the end of the year, fix my BMW, I could go on. Being on salary with commission is pretty sweet. I feel fortunate and blessed.

If I can make a name for myself, I can solidify my place in the world. Maybe I can help this company make millions? No, I know so. Sure, there are more than a few roadblocks in the way, but nothing I can’t handle. I want the life I always dreamed of and admired from afar. My boss and I talk real estate every now and again and he even said this himself: If I can make this place big, he’ll make sure I can buy a condo sooner than later. He believes in me and that’s so comforting and reassuring to know someone has faith in my abilities.

I’m close and I can almost touch it.

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Death, Motivation, and Fear

Currently, there are very few things I fear. Fear nothing, because the wonders of reality make the unknown worth exploring. If I had two environments to spend an eternity on: the forest or the beach, I much rather have the forest. There would be infinity more places to explore and wander. Paradise is overrated — or so I am told.

Everyday, I wake up and tell myself one thing: time is short. We expire and it’s a matter of when.  Its the reality of living — that alone should be motivation to do more, love longer, and have the urgency for self-fulfillment now rather than later. But we are flawed humans, every last one of us. My friends spend their time on petty vices and low brow activities. Video games, smoking, lounging around all fucking day… its disgusting. It’s the plague of modern society. If everyone was reminded of their mortality, I’m inclined to believe their sorry state of affairs wouldn’t be as severe. Perhaps they would get off their fat ass and actually become something.

am·bi·tion – a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.

Rant starts in 3… 2… 1…

What irks me is when someone (or better a group) who obviously has no planning ability tells me my idea of a plan is somehow a terrible idea. The other day, I let in with my friends my plans for a romantic dinner with the lady. There’s a fair bit of planning, reading, and general thoughtfulness involved I think for such a date. Would she be free? Does she like the food? Does she like fancy dinners? Believe it or not, not every woman likes the fancy shit (for some fucking reason).

My entire conversation with them boils down to this: fancy dinners are overrated. Not true. In fact, I wouldn’t expect them to understand the level of thoughtfulness needed to plan such a date. Even with your closest friends, you can’t always depend on them to support you.

“They will fail you.” – Professor Richards

 

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Soul Searching: Lessons in Self Identity

Hoodshit 101

In middle school, I wanted to be cool. I’m talking baggy jeans and extra large hoodies. I wore Ecko, Dickies, and Converse daily and talked like I was pulled right out of an early 2000s rap video. Hip hop was the shit and every guy wanted to be pimpin’ — whatever the fuck that means now. I suppose this was my means of dealing with early teenage anst, but I knew I was no cooler or “street” as the next guy over. Women weren’t women, but bitches. Everyone idolized the lifestyles of the rich and famous and wanted gaudy jewelry with the admiration accompanying it.

I hated this part of my life. I cringe at the thought.

College Part 1: PCC

At a certain point, I wanted to be more presentable and clean cut. I got my hair dyed blonde, red, or brown depending on my mood. All the chemicals probably weren’t good for me the least bit, but it was new, it was interesting, and fuck yeah did I like the change in appearance. K-Pop and J-Pop was in repeat and I wanted the same sort of edgy look seen in the music videos. I didn’t understand a word but it was a lifestyle and it was something to do as I struggled to pass classes. My ideal piece of clothing was a blazer, t-shirt, jeans and white sneakers. Shit looked fucking good together. I’m still fond of the dressy Ralph Lauren look to this day.

I mean, that basically gave me confidence in life for the first time. It made me almost fearless or the very least mask it from the public. I felt good and it got my two relationships in the 3 years I was at PCC.

I miss those days. Not so much the school, but just knowing I had my shit together and it was all my doing.

Maybe I miss Kai or Lia, but who wouldn’t miss someone you onced loved? Who wouldn’t reminisce about what could have been? I was on top of the world and on the highest of highs 2010-2012.

College Part 2: UCSB

Long distance relationship-ing failed miserably. I felt terrible after my break up, but I suppose it could have been worse if she initiated it. I knew we could never come back from what transpired last night at the club, regardless if nothing fucking happened with Maria. She would never believe me. One Skype call and 15 of back and forth later, I was single, crushed, and relieved I was on my own.

Lia was devastated. Maybe I was too, but the exciting days ahead of me at UCSB kept me in control of my emotions. I drank a lot as I have frequently mentioned, it felt great. Made the night easy and carefree while I socialized and made these strangers my friends. Some of the sweetest nicest people I’ve ever met were at parties.

Drugs soon fell into my life. It was inevitable. I smoked various substances, popped a few, and tried a few that were high up on the danger list. Shit made me feel so good and gave me a sense of invincibility, however false that was. I went to class under the influence and even managed to get As miraculously.

This was my life now and I couldn’t care what anyone knew or found out. It was obvious I was fucked up, but everyone around me was. Well who cares right?

To be continued…

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Being Human

No matter how well things are going, we will all fall victim to:

  • Sadness
  • Depression
  • Grief
  • Loss
  • Hardship

It’s ultimately how we handle life’s challenges that make us human. We are all imperfect living in a world of chaos.

Your friends, although you hold them in high regard, they will fail you. The people you depend on, love deeply, admire and cherish are all human. It’s not so much how, but when.

Later world.