Not defined by the past

I’m basically a storyteller. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me. I guess you can say I’m an open book. Earlier today my coworker Chris asked me if I had ever regret anything that happened in my past. Whether it was a trouble history with the law, my endless nights drinking and partying, my response was and still is, “I regret nothing.”

I had a dearest friend named Kristie that was as close as two people could be in terms of deepest darkest secrets, fears, and general anxiety towards the unknowns in life. I considered her one of the few people in my life I could confide in and let my emotions run free and unfiltered. I went as far as visiting her in Japan one Spring break. Just $1200 for a somewhat rushed plane ticket and a rough outline what could be done and where to be visited and I was all ready to go.

We are no longer friends  and for a few years now. I can honestly say 2014 was when I fell off the map, could not tell her the truth even if she pressed me for answers, had her suspicious my responses were bullshit, and felt I betrayed her. I drank and smoked constantly but kept it hidden from her, even as far as to quit for the week long trip in Japan. What ultimately gave it away wasn’t just my erratic behavior and wild nights, it was inability to just ignore her messages.

You see, that night, she was on the verge of missing her flight back to the US. Her phone was about to die and she frantically messaged me late at night asking for help. She needed directions.

“Hey are you awake. I’m running late and might miss my flight. My phone is dying. I need your help with directions.”

It was something along those lines… I responded immediately as the message came in, but tonight was the turning point. I could not lie to her. I could not help her. I laid lifelessly on the couch in the shitty apartment I shared with 3 people I just met a few months earlier. I was too fucked up to move. I told her just those words.

She was confused, beyond disappointed in me and what I had become or was that night. Kristie missed her flight. A full day would pass before I would message her back. I knew it was over and there was no going back to the trust and bond we once had. I lost her forever.

I don’t regret my actions because that night, I was in full control and can be held accountable. It was all my undoing. I use it as a reminder of how fragile feelings can be, trust wiped off, and how honesty is essential to any relationship. We haven’t talked in years, but I still hold the time I spent with her close to my heart and can vividly recount the times we spent together.

Later world.

 

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