To Like Someone Back

There’s a girl I know. I used to like her. And this was about 2 years ago. Quite remarkable if I think about it. I was extremely wreckless at the time with an attitude that most people could not stand. But at last, as fate would have it, we met.

I’ll never forget that night. She recalls it differently, but I sat down next to her after 4 or 5 too many. This was a Halloween party but I dressed dapper. It’s easy. Small talk ensured and the next thing I noticed, she’s feeding me Skittles. Just like that, I was sold. Perhaps it was more the beer and alcohol influencing me, but I had to have her number.

Surprise surprise. I got it. We setup a day to “hangout” and it was an absolute disaster. She hated the food, had nothing interesting to say, lacked similar interests, and just wasn’t who I was looking for.

Fast forward to 2018. I’m walking at the park with Julian. I got a notification. It’s her again. Just randomly and out of the blue. Something is not right, but I reply and stir up a chat. We chat some more over the next few days. I even get her number again. I had “lost” it after all this time.

Our schedules align and I figured “what’s the worst that can happen if we meet again?”

Big terrible mistake.

I find out she has just been out of a relationship and with someone much much older. Bordering on Dr. Phil territory. We talk and chat, but the day closes with her in tears. Spontaneously crying and breaking down.

“Don’t you think I’m pretty and attractive?”

I reply with a yes, but we can only ever be friends. I don’t like you, I told her. And not for a very long time.

Some people would take this chance to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I for one am not one of those men. I could never be. For me and this girl, we had our chance and it wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t meant to be then and wouldn’t be now. I don’t think it’s remotely right to lead someone on if you can’t genuinely reciprocate the same feelings back.

For that would be lying and deception in all its many forms. The truth hit her and hard at that, but I rather she knows now than to keep hoping much later on.

Summer is getting interesting ain’t it?


The Curious Case of Julian

My long time best friend Julian has a new job opportunity and with it, new restrictive drug testing. This is where the story takes a sad turn. You see, my friend has smoked weed for the better part of maybe 6+ years daily and multiple times too. As a matter of fact, I can’t really recall a time where he has subsided from weed even for a short period. He’s maybe stopped smoking cigarettes for a few months at a time, but he substitutes it with weed. I call that a lesser of two evils.

My friends mom offered him the position stating she would put in a very good word with her people in hopes of him securing the job and substantially more than what he currently makes. Quite a kind and generous deed if you think about it. So just how is Julian holding up?


We’ve all known for some time he’s had insomnia and at worst, night terrors. The times we shared a room or a hotel, I can recall him mumbling and as far as screaming in fear. Whether he is aware of this is unclear. I’ve somewhat alluded to it in a handful of conversations, but was quickly shot down. We saw him yesterday night to watch Deadpool 2 and he looked God awful. He was slow, dismissive, and just lacked any energy whatsoever. Weed supposedly helps him sleep, but I have more than a few lingering doubts and other suspicions about that claim.

Colossal Waste of Money

Earlier in the year, I had what I thought was a fairly run of the mill question for him, “How much do you spend on weed in a year?”

“About $5000 dollars.”

I rest my case.


Not all is well in Julian Land, but his method of copping with life is worrisome. I don’t believe chronic weed abuse will lead him down to salvation, a better life, or magically cure him of his obvious ailments with is tattered body. He dependent on weed and is cranky without it. He drives like absolute shit without it.

“Weed, it’s a plant. It just grows like that.” — Katt Williams


Plans: Buying a Condo

I’m planning on buying a condo and it has to be in Pasadena. That city holds high significance to me and I’ve only grew to love it more over the years. Some of the nicest and sweetest people I’ve ever met were in that city. There’s the saying, “the grass is greener on the other side” and in all respects, this is true for my hometown. It wasn’t until I spent my early college years in Pasadena and new found success that I realized that this has to be my future home and I’ll stop at nothing to reach it.

Costs and a lot of dollar bills

It’s no surprise but buying a condo in this city is really fucking expensive. My money can get me a lot more square footage in Alhambra, San Gabriel, or Monterey Park, but I hate them like the plague. I’ve been over it living here for a long time. Currently, I have 1/10th of the initial down payment. It’s a good chunk of change considering most millennials don’t have even $1000 dollars saved up. It’s funny. I still feel broke everyday…

Give it 5-7 Years

Optimistically, I think I can have the money saved up in 5 years at the earliest. This is assuming my monthly income rises every year and I’m not suddenly out of a job. My credit score is in the 800s right now and I see no reason it to drop in the future. I’ve been only paying with credit cards since 2013 and that was just the first step of the larger plan at the time.

Paying the Mortgage

My mortgage payment per month is about $1500-2000. I plan on renting out the 2nd room to my best friend at huge discount that’s roughly 33% cheaper than the average rate for the city. I want to do the 15 year plan but only time will tell if thats obtainable. It’ll be so satisfying to call it mine afterwards. Maybe I’ll have a drink to celebrate. Just maybe.

Later world.


Mid Year Recap: 3 Years Since Graduating

As optimistic I was and my professors were of my future success post graduation, saying things haven’t gone exactly as planned is putting it mildly. The post college graduate life sucks and here’s why.

Bad: Depression

I partied a lot and with like-minded friends who came from all over the country. We bonded closely purely due to the nature of our proximity to each other. I couldn’t go a day without bumping into someone and having to stop and chat along the way to campus. Now that I’m back in San Gabriel, it’s all gone away. Poof. Naturally, this made me a little sad, but I suppose I still am. I’m without them and that just fucking sucks. A lot. And all the time.

Bad: Bye Bye Mr. Nice Guy

I would argue I stopped being a “nice guy” towards my last year at PCC. What do I mean by that? I stopped taking everyone’s bullshit and started standing up for myself. I became extremely outspoken, often to the point of running my mouth in front of everyone. My long time anxiety towards socializing with people disappeared and forever vanished. I bought nice designer clothing with whatever money I had made and even borrowed more than I could realistically afford to payback without insane fees. But I loved it. I loved the look, the style, the attitude that carried with it… it is addicting being the person you wanted to be. This was the new hobby and still is to this day.

“It’s modern day body armor.” — Charlie Allen (referring to mens suits)

What became of the new me? After one failed relationship that merely lasted a month, I met another girl my last year at community college and at my favorite place at the time, Starbucks. I was dressed to the nines in a suit having just delivered a presentation in front the class and knowing well this class was aced. I’ll never forget that day. I headed to Starbucks, got myself a venti mocha frap, and while waiting for my name to be called, I spotted my jerk-of-a-friend Jackie. Jackie, in all respects was a pessimistic and often Debbie-downer who had a dark outlook on the world, his life, and his future prospects. I fucking hate people like him with a passion. Fuck you Jackie.

I got my drink. Casually walked over to Jackie who was talking to my future girl friend, Lia as she was named. I could just see how uninterested she was having sit with him at the same table. This was were I stepped in or sat in, more accurately. I grabbed a random chair and sat right in between Lia and Jackie. I let Jackie ramble on about whatever he was waking about that day while I introduced myself and made small talk with Lia.

“Let’s get out of here. Jackie isn’t the type of guy you wanna talk to anyway.” — Me






Shared Happiness and Somber Days

My brother and best friend Garza graduated today from UC Santa Barbara. It was 9 years in the making and I’m so delighted and elated to see him mark this chapter of his life done. We’re brothers til the end and to see him walk across the same stage that I did 3 years earlier makes me emotional.

I like to think I had a major role in him chosing my school and with the same major. He may never admit it, but for today, I’ll be just a little immodest. I love this guy as much as he was family and I felt every bit of emotion flowing through him as we hugged for the first time today.

As I watched everyone eating at Pizza My Heart, I could not help but remember how good I had it here. How I was untouchable, invincible in some respects. I had a solid group of friends whom I saw regularly, partied with, went clubbing together, and shared nights fully intoxicated beyond exception.

Those days are long gone, yet they still are vivid as the day it happened many nights ago. As terrible as some of my behavior was, or the activities I did, SB changed me forever. Perhaps it was the downfall of me as well. And I’m only now realizing the error in my ways. Who knows.

All I know is I miss every minute and everyone who was apart of my two years at SB. May they all stay apart of my life as happier and more blissfully ignorant days as college life.

Say it ain’t so.


Not defined by the past

I’m basically a storyteller. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about me. I guess you can say I’m an open book. Earlier today my coworker Chris asked me if I had ever regret anything that happened in my past. Whether it was a trouble history with the law, my endless nights drinking and partying, my response was and still is, “I regret nothing.”

I had a dearest friend named Kristie that was as close as two people could be in terms of deepest darkest secrets, fears, and general anxiety towards the unknowns in life. I considered her one of the few people in my life I could confide in and let my emotions run free and unfiltered. I went as far as visiting her in Japan one Spring break. Just $1200 for a somewhat rushed plane ticket and a rough outline what could be done and where to be visited and I was all ready to go.

We are no longer friends  and for a few years now. I can honestly say 2014 was when I fell off the map, could not tell her the truth even if she pressed me for answers, had her suspicious my responses were bullshit, and felt I betrayed her. I drank and smoked constantly but kept it hidden from her, even as far as to quit for the week long trip in Japan. What ultimately gave it away wasn’t just my erratic behavior and wild nights, it was inability to just ignore her messages.

You see, that night, she was on the verge of missing her flight back to the US. Her phone was about to die and she frantically messaged me late at night asking for help. She needed directions.

“Hey are you awake. I’m running late and might miss my flight. My phone is dying. I need your help with directions.”

It was something along those lines… I responded immediately as the message came in, but tonight was the turning point. I could not lie to her. I could not help her. I laid lifelessly on the couch in the shitty apartment I shared with 3 people I just met a few months earlier. I was too fucked up to move. I told her just those words.

She was confused, beyond disappointed in me and what I had become or was that night. Kristie missed her flight. A full day would pass before I would message her back. I knew it was over and there was no going back to the trust and bond we once had. I lost her forever.

I don’t regret my actions because that night, I was in full control and can be held accountable. It was all my undoing. I use it as a reminder of how fragile feelings can be, trust wiped off, and how honesty is essential to any relationship. We haven’t talked in years, but I still hold the time I spent with her close to my heart and can vividly recount the times we spent together.

Later world.



My best friend the drug abuser

For quite some time and many years, I’ve seen the slow decline of my best friend. From earlier days of super market shoplifting shenanigans, his newly minted love for substances is worrisome. We all know he has issues. We can only say so much, but he will never listen or give it up.

He crashed and totalled his car that one night. Although his recollection of the events is fragmented, his cousin confessed he took a few pills. He conveniently left that part out when telling me.

He’s hopelessly addicted and there’s nothing I can fucking do to save him.


Growing old and apart

My best friend Garza graduates next week. For the record, we finished high school in 2009. It’s been a long journey for him and I’m thankful to have seen him progress immensely. ELAC, Art Institute, PCC… Seems like he was everywhere all these years and had a handful of odd jobs. I’ve never been happier for him until this moment.

Not too long ago, our interests were very much alike and our hobbies aligned. From video games, shitty B comedy movies and a general desire to fuck shit up in Alhambra. We did it all side-by-side. We laughed, got in trouble, and were seemingly inseparable.

Even with that period where Julian and I had a falling out and could not stand the sight of each other, we moved forward and maintained our friendship stemming from the odd few who ride the bus together. I’ve grew to see them not just as friends but as brothers where I can confide my deepest darkest thoughts to.

Even as my own relationship with my family began to deteriorate, theirs embraced me and even when I was initially the trouble maker. I love their moms more than I can my own and I only have the deepest words of affection for their care towards me.

Garza graduates in one week. He is not staying in Alhambra. As a matter of fact, neither will I towards the end of this year. I can only hope and wish our friendship stays strong and we can have time to meet. We’re getting older and more apart and that’s the truth. Bit that’s the beauty of life I suppose. We all have to move forward with our goals and do what’s best for ourselves and can’t be tied down to the past. Nostalgia and memories long gone, we can only reminisce about the old days.

I’ll be sad when we’re all apart. Even so, it’s a strong reminder just how much I care for them and the strong brotherhood I thankful to be apart of.

2018. We got old. Grew apart. And moved forward.


Sobering Reminders: Career in Sight

June 7, 2018 // mood: indifferent, but restless

Earlier the year, I swore off alcohol and soda, and til this day — about 6 months later — I’m keeping my new years resolution. The no soda part was just on whim, but the drinking was more serious. Maybe more than just health reasons. What amounted to a daily occurrence of bottles clacking now seems foreign to me. Amazingly, the few times I’ve been in a bar and surrounded by drinkers, I’ve managed to resist their attempts to occupy my hand with a beer and other illicit activities. I think my friends have been pleasantly shocked I’ve kept it up this long. Ironically, I opened bottles for a few people with a mini bottle opener on my key chain. I can thank Garza for that — better yet — it’s just another reminded how far I’ve come.

Paraphrasing Bert Cooper from Mad Men, “Stop smoking (Or was it drinking?) so much. It’s a sign of weakness.” In that regard, I suppose I’ve succeeded.

Almost 2 months ago, I started what maybe my future career at a newly opened company in Industry. Everyone is surprisingly nice and pleasant to be around and gives me 100% authority to do my job my way. Having a few hundred business cards printed with my directorial title and name cemented my career prospects for the future. The sales guy sticks out in my head usually as he is the guy who is so egregiously open his troubled past with the law.

A few stories I’ve heard so far:

  • that time he had crack in his mouth – Hiding it in a pocket? Get real.
  • gun to his head – As if the notion of a guy pointed in your direction wasn’t bad enough.
  • P.I.M.P. – Pimping at 18 might give Snoop Dogg a run for his money
  • [insert name for narcotics] – Yeah, he’s done it. Guaranteed.

Just today we all got word the receptionist was arrested and detained. I have plenty of questions, but hopefully the boss can find some level of understanding and forgiveness for her. Shit happens, am I right?

1:01 — I ponder past days long since gone,

now only faded and only a glimmer of what once was,

where did all the time go?

gone are the many hellos and hugs

long, short and lingering

that touch that once was,

the feeling of being held

tightly and embraced