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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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Rainy Day Fund

Life has a way of throwing too much in my direction. I’ve gotten a surprise bill in the mail. A cool four figures owed. Ouch.

I’ve noticed this year has a way of being expected. COVID, riots, heightened attitudes… something doesn’t feel right all year. Honestly, how can it. I’ve largely been unaffected this entire time. Call me thankful to still manage to get by relatively unscathed financially.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in less than a year. Can’t say that is a good sign for things to come, but here I am: tired, sweaty, and unenthusiastic about tomorrow. I’ve come to realize just because I don’t show the underlying emotion, doesn’t mean it’s not unknowingly affecting my well-being. I’m not as invincible as I believe.

Now I’m just mortal. Those feats of stupidity and brazen disregard for life have finally caught up to me. I can’t run any longer and the finish line gets farther. The lion has bitten back and I’m left hopping for the next kilometer.

I want the next year to come already. Give me Thanksgiving and fast forward to the next year, please. Best of luck to everyone wandering, but not yet lost.

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Down 30 Up 50

This year has been crazy for anyone invested in stocks. During the latter part of March, COVID-19 caused my stock portfolio to crash 30%.

First I panicked, but after some thought, I kept reinvesting into two sectors: pharmaceuticals and tech. I waited for the market to recover last month knowing that there would be a fast rebound and cashed out more than half of my holdings. I ending up buying Apple before their earnings report on the chance they would do their rumored 4–1 stock split. They did. Music to my ears.

I’ve avoided Tesla for a couple years now, but after the minor correction to $1300 and announcing their own 5-1 stock split, I dropped $2000 on Tesla for just over one share. This week has been cloud nine. Tesla had another monumental run up until today. Investors are buying like mad and pushed the stock past $2075 a share.

For the past 90 days, I’ve out paced the S&P 500 index by more than 35%, with an overall increase of 50%. In laments terms, for every $100 invested, I made back an additional $50. Fucking incredible.

Only in America where the economy can be in a recession and you can make serious money at the same time. This is insane.

I feel good. I feel blessed. Later world.

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FUCK CHINA

About the only thing I agree with Trump is his attitude towards China. Putting it bluntly, fuck China.

I refuse to support a country that systematically killed off millions of female babies under their One Child policy. The culture favors males to carry on the family lineage and puts females as second class citizens. It’s barbaric, sexist, and shows a lack of morals for their own people. Fuck China.

Trump signed an Executive Order to ban TikTok and everyone is having a field day saying how it’s a gross abuse of power. It’s not. China banned Google and other tech companies headquartered in the US for a decade now. I call it deserved and justice for their nationwide censorship and hostility towards open and public information. Fuck China.

China may have the second highest GDP in the world but they operate like a dystopian society where they seek to suppress their people for their own political gains. Fuck that shit.

Fuck China.

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2020: I’ll Be Vain

I’m less optimistic about this year with each passing day, so fuck it — really. If you can’t save the year, might as well do something for yourself. Next week, I’m going in for a consultation to get all my teeth redone.

You might consider this extreme, but I categorize this under self-improvement. It doesn’t seem like business will resume back to normal and there’s plenty of downtime every afternoon.

2020 — I can’t save you, so I’ll be selfish and vain. Later world.

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I Had a Panic Attack

Four days ago, I felt my chest beat so hard and rapidly, I thought my heart was going to explode. I feared the worst and with my entire family around me as my body was slowly clenching up, I told them my final goodbyes in case this was the end. In some twisted sense of morality, I let go and told everyone I loved them dearly and said sorry for having to go like this — and so terrifyingly. Of the highest order of my guiding principles on how to live life, I consider this action “directive one” or leave this world peacefully with everyone.

The paramedics arrived and put me on an ambulance to the nearest hospital where they quickly diagnosed me with a severe panic attack. A nurse administered a shot — on a my butt no less. My heart rate went from over 250 back down to 100 in a matter of minutes, but it felt like an eternity for me.

I’m alive. I feel relatively unscathed. Maybe there’s a bit of post traumatic stress disorder still lingering somewhere in my thoughts, but the four days of Xanax I’ve taken has completely removed my ability to even think for myself let alone worry. This might just be the worst year I’ve ever experienced and for good reason.

In those fear filled moments where I thought I was going to die of a sudden heart attack, I wondered to myself, “Wow. This is how I’m going to go — dying and in pain”. It’s morbid to consider. My entire life played like a long movie in my head and this was the finale. I remember thinking I did well for myself even if my life was going to be cut short. I knew if I wasn’t going to be around, at least the very people I love would be taken cared of. I have a very extensive will outlining how my assets get divided up upon my passing and it’s more than what some people make in an entire year.

I’m trying to find some silver lining to this traumatic experience and I’ve come to realize that: 1) I don’t rest enough 2) my friend’s activities are in direct contradiction with my morals and 3) I can die in peace. The last one is a bit much, but I know it to be certain. I’ll be spending less on what the meaning of life is and more about just living to my fullest potential from here on out. It’s strange, yet philosophical.

To all my readers, best wishes and with love. Later world.

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Time Out

Some days I feel like I have all the time in the world. Today feels different. Perhaps I’ve been too busy to keep to myself and I’m finally overwhelmed with life and all it’s nagging problems.

What a cruel world we live in.

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I Feel Behind

One of the more alarming problems I face is how I constantly feel like I’m “behind”. I have a great job and my income is decent, but I can never shake the feeling. Even when I know there are people much worse out there in the city without jobs and financial support, I can’t reason myself out of this thought.

I would assume it stems from what my uncle told me a few years ago. In his own words, no matter how much you make, eventually, you will think it’s not enough. There’s this imaginary ceiling I’ve created. Next year I’ll make this much, but once I do reach it, a higher ceiling is created. I’m either not seeing the full picture or my thoughts are too fixated on the wrong priorities.

It’s one of those reasons I much rather find ways to be content with life than go out searching for happiness. What good is happiness when it’s only momentarily? I think this year has been especially difficult processing all these conflicting thoughts. I should be thankful and yet I’m not. There’s a bonus waiting for me next month, but I disregard it. I’m healthy and determined, but the future feels uncertain.

Someone save me. Later world.

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Water in the Glass

This year is either the worst ever or the best I’ve had depending on my perspective. It’s one of those glass half empty or half full situations many people like to think of. If I make a list of what didn’t go right, I have the following:

– COVID-19, economy shutdown, Black Lives Matter, riots, my Grandma being ill, and stocks took a hit.

Being a bit more optimistic, leaves me with this:

– life goes on, my business launched, I’m getting a bonus next month, my investments are up, I still have a job, and my Grandma got treated

This year is so polarizing and only a little more than half of it is gone already. It kind of makes me wonder if this is a test for my ability to persevere in times of crisis and uncertainty. Overall, I’ll have to take it for what it is and keep focused on myself. I recently lack the energy to even stay up past 11 PM without suddenly falling asleep. I’ve been telling myself the exhaustion comes from work, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my mind has been at full blast all this time.

Later world.