One thing I’ve had difficulty coming to terms with is you can’t stop people from coming and going. Eventually, everyone you know and love will meet the same fate. Those pearly gates above and the light on top sounds the best most confronting conclusion to ones life — however extraordinary. What a crazy thing to believe. Yet, in times of destress, it allures everyone. My grandma is not well — not the least bit and while we may have some of the best doctors assisting her in the battle against cancer, I’m scared — terrified as she is.
I’ve had too many thoughts in my mind the past couple days. Questions to myself and motives mainly. Did I see her enough? Was I the model grandson? How well will the surgery go? Why me? And most frequently, “Why us?” In the moments my aunt told me the prognosis, I felt every heart string pulled at full tension. Disbelief as I utter to her, “Are you serious?” As quickly as surprise and disbelief came, my grief came faster and with heavy emotions.
I teared up. My aunt could see my face turn pale. The words from her stung like that of the never ending torn in an otherwise field of roses. Time became still. I could not hold back and so I walked away and into the backyard. I cried so hard as the tears cascaded down more and more. I did not take the news very well to say the least. To love is not just to say the four letter word. How much grief you have says a thousand more.
We are all hurting and with heavy heart. This is it.
It’s 1 AM and I cannot for the life of me sleep. It’s awful and I’m just so bothered by how work is affecting me, I feel like I’m drowning. Problem after problem. Bullshit on top of bullshit. This totally fucking sucks. As my friend told me over the phone repeatedly, “Don’t kill yourself over it”. She’s probably on to something. I tend to let work-life consume me.
It’s the serpent at sea and I’m only on a small raft. How did everything get so complicated all of a sudden? Roll with the punches as many would say, right? I would press reset if there was some magic button to start over. The thought of that seems so alluring ever since this whole year started.
What a mess. Is it terrible to know I have a lot going for me, but have the nuances of life negatively impacting my life? Life’s a bitch. Now if only I would fall asleep already. Later world.
About 2 years ago, one of my close friends asked me to model for a photoshoot. She’s an amazing photographer and hasn’t shot any men — yet. I’m known to dress very fashionably so naturally, I was picked. By my math, I’ve spent a stupid amount of money on designer clothes over the years — about 6 figures worth. Should I feel bad about it? Maybe? Nah. This suit feels like a million bucks — made of the finest fabric from Italy no less. I’ve more or less stopped shopping, but my closet is a masterpiece of its own.
I’ve made up various excuses in those two years why I’m not willing to be photographed. Her favorite is:
Her: Danny, would you model for my photos?
Me: I can’t. The Native Americans believed a picture takes away a part of your soul. I think it’s true.
After being reminded how fucking old I’m getting and inching towards 30, I finally gave in and agreed. Quite honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. It was surprisingly new and refreshing being the camera’s center of attention. We did two looks: one in a suit and the other a greaser-rocker look.
After several hours and even getting kicked out of a building, we had hundreds of very fashiony shots. The photos are being edited and I can’t wait to see the final result. Here’s a sneak peek.
Is it pretentious to say I’m going to have all the photos printed into a hardcover book? It’ll be a nice keepsake when I’m past 40 and my spoiled kids wanna have a laugh at their dad. Fuck. Yes. Later world.
Today was a total shit show. Work was especially difficult seeing how three of my coworkers have the usual fuck it attitude with them quitting soon. To make matters worse, I’m stupidly behind on launching several projects. If I wasn’t spread so thinly I’d be in a better position. Fuck everything.
The minute I got home, I wanted nothing to do with work and was beyond over the day. Ever have those urges to down a beer in record time or take a hit? Shit. I’m surprised I’m not under the influence still.
I could feel the slow feelings of depression hitting me harder with each passing hour of today. If it was just my luck, one of my super cool uncles came over for a quick visit. If you ignore the red envelopes with $20s, $50s and $100s, Chinese New Year is one of the rare times where you get to see everyone. That’s priceless. We chatted about the usual: stocks, future goals, and if I was seeing anyone. He’s always been so down to Earth and was quick to crack a few jokes to relieve the tired look on my face.
I’m honestly feeling so much better now. Later world.
No less than three of my co-workers are quitting this month: the receptionist, logistics manager, and the accountant. Shit like this terrifies me. Is there something I can’t see that they do? Am I blind? Delusional? Everyone has told me their version of why they want to leave for new beginnings, but I can’t help but feel uneasy about the sudden mass exit.
Will I be here forever? It sure feels like it at this point. After the receptionist leaving, the original team who started at our office will only be the general manager and myself. Just two fucking people. Honestly, this entire January blows. Everyone has had it with the drama here and finding three replacements will be difficult.
Three co-workers have checked out… Fuck me, I’m dreaming.
Honestly, I needed to learn to be a bit more content with life. The lingering feeling of never having enough only makes life more depressing. I’m probably crazy — right? Last year was great and much was accomplished in the self-improvement realm and career wise. I feel so caught up in the fast lane, the days all feel like a never ending blur. It’s the long exposure that fails to fully capture the moment. The streaks of light from cars on the freeway in Downtown. I’m still and everyone is moving all around me like one of those cliche b-rolls on YouTube.
In the never ending expanse of life with limitless possibilities of where I can end up, is this not bothersome to think about? Live in the moment as some would say, but without the guiding light, you might spend all life wandering. Fuck that — however terrifying that can be.
I’ve changed my hair, my car, my attitude — but what next?
I’m kind of lucky. I know I can text a handful of friends, both male and female, for their opinion on something. I tend to fixate and overthink something until the very reason for doing so almost becomes unclear. Hands down, one of the most confusing habits I have. Eventually, I come to my senses and ask everyone for their thoughts.
I’m not going to lie. Some topics get dark and wouldn’t fit the narrative of an online journal. You have that secrecy that trust allows. Other times, it’s another question about a relationship or someone I’m seeing. In the end, all I’m looking for is their cold hard unfiltered opinion.
I think what I’ve come to realize is you’re not going to be able to save yourself. Best you can do is ask for help. There aren’t always answers even with your most trusted loyal group of friends to confide in. At least hear them out to look at the situation from their prospective.
2020: once you’re off the boat, you’ll need to really convince me to let you back on.
The most interesting thing happened last night, “Danny let’s talk”. It was from someone I used to love deeply, but due to rampant uncontrollable drug binges and round the clock drinking, drove away. I take full responsibility back then for ruining our relationship and lying to her for so long about it. She found out the very night she needed me the most and get, I was too high to physically get off the couch.
Eventually, I came clean but knew the end was near. Some time later, I wrote her a long apology never expecting her to see it on Messenger or reply back. It was so long ago and I’ve regretted what happened ever since.
I’m not sure where this is going or why she chose now to talk to me again, but I’m happy yet cautious. Delighted yet apologetic. Alert yet slowing.