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Anxiety Keeps Me Up

Every year around this time, my anxiety shoots through the roof. Coupled with the colder weather, I feel like absolute hell and there’s really no good way for me to “snap out of it”.

Lately, I’ve convinced myself I’ve gotten nothing done this year and COVID made all my plans fall through. While this is somewhat of an exaggeration, my brain works in magical ways. A bit broken and endlessly neurotic.

Overthinking is one of my weaker points I need to work on. I sometimes have this nagging itch to want to see everything from every perspective and it consumes my thoughts. Everyone — meaning my friends and coworkers, tell me to just chill out. Take it for what it is.

What the hell does that mean? I’ve come to realize this entire cluster fuck of a year we call 2020 was unexpected and unpredictable. The year is almost over and while it should be winding down, I’ve gotten exponentially busier. My work is planning on moving to a new location next year and I’m expected to take on greater duties.

It’s the theme with life. Getting old, getting busy, and keeping the mind restless. Being content is the goal as I’ve told myself many times. I want more, want to do more, and carry myself higher. Achievements and fortunes don’t come easy after all. Say it isn’t so.

Later world.

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Distances Among and Far

I’m growing further away from some friends and closer to others. Somehow, life has a tendency to make that apparent. Hobbies change, social lives differ, and above all, people change. We are powerless to stop it. It is the sea that drifts further outward into the ocean. The tides can only take some much.

What this year of a mess has taught me is perspective. Fending for yourself while forgoing others who bring you down doesn’t make you selfish. It’s the reality of knowing right from wrong, truth from lies, and to grow old is let go — apart. Live now and focus.

Times feel so different than they did the years before. I’ve changed and yet some of my friends haven’t. I’m not one to judge, but we can’t all keep on the same lonely path and the road less traveled.

Who am I? I’m still wondering every day if my priories matter more than they did before. I want more, there’s infinite ways to get there, and I’m the lone wolf fending off criticism.

Later world.

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Closing Out the Week

Honestly, it’s been such a great week. I had the most incredible date the other night and I’m surprised she was having as much fun as me. Long and deep conversations flowed naturally and it never felt like we had run out of topics to discuss. For all the troubles this year brought, I felt relieved, delighted and joyful there felt like normalcy for those few hours.

The restaurant was fantastic, the food was perfect, and the few glasses of wine kept the mood loose and relaxing. The night was delightful.

Life is good and perhaps that’s an understatement.

Later world.

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T-minus 1 Month

Next month, it’s my birthday. Hooray? I’ve always found it weird we celebrate getting one year older as we slowly inch closer to old age. Hell, I’m still young as a baby in some people’s eyes. To get old is to be wiser, yet long for days long gone.

Tragic, yet, moving. Nonetheless, I was asked if I was going to get hammered on my birthday. I uttered a resounding, but firm — no. I’ve long passed by those foolish years of outraged and wild partying, so much so I couldn’t imagine doing it now.

Fun fact: I’ve largely believed I was invincible up until the end of last year and the first quarter of 2020. I’m imperfect teetering on grandiose that my own near bouts of death hadn’t shaken my superhuman complex.

This year, I found out I’m quite vulnerable. Injuries don’t require the painful but darkened bruises and trips to the hospital are always urgent and unwelcomed.

Hell, getting old and someday dying isn’t the part that scares me. Not being able to do everything I have planned does and frequently keeps me up at night. I don’t need infinite time on Earth, just better plans and ways to reach them. It’s the enigma that causes minds to wander into confusion as answers remain vague.

This year gave me too much to think about. I’ve dreaded being home indoors all this time and somehow, I was wrong.

What’s that stupid saying? Keep calm. Carry on. Later world.

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Being Political: Biden Still Sucks

Fun fact: I really think Joe Biden sucks, but that doesn’t mean I support Trump. We have a guy well past his prime and can barely string along sentences going against Trump — someone who talks for hours without a hitch. Am I the only one who sees the monumental challenge the Democrats are going to face?

It’s an uphill battle and I’m not confident the debates will end well with Biden. Move past the easy questions and obviously scripted responses and you have a campaign that’s very disliked on social media without a clear attack plan. Biden looks his age and he sure acts like an old fool even in heated responses. Anger does not equal passion.

That’s not to say Biden being angry is even a good method to rally voters. He’s offended the African American community and acts with less poise than Trump when he’s on a roll. I can’t find any reason why he was chosen as the front runner other than he spent eight years as VP with Obama. This was what his campaign early on heavily emphasized.

Honestly, he sucks and I’m not going to be shocked when we have another four years of Trump. Blame the Democrats for propping up a weak candidate again when there were obviously better choices.

So God help us all.

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Stocks Are Way Down

Interesting week I’m having. Stocks are down day after day and there’s no end in sight. It’s expected with the crazy rally the tech sector had the previous months leading into September. I did the smart thing and sold off everything that was up too fast. Emphasis on too fast.

My winners this year are: Square, Virgin Galactic, Tesla, Apple, and a few pharmaceutical companies I had no interest in other than they were super cheap. If you’re up over 100% on an investment in a recession, sell and get out if you haven’t already done so.

What goes up must go down and hard. Currently, all markets are in a bloodbath and anyone willing to invest should do so cautiously. Don’t get me wrong. I normally say it’s always a good time to invest no matter the current state of the economy. However, if you have nobodys and average Joes on Robinhood buying anything just because of the crash we had in March due to the coronavirus, you need to be realistic.

My portfolio is still in the green and my overall returns this year is +70%. Kind of makes me wish I wasn’t stuck to a normal nine to five job doing IT, but I’m only dreaming. I made off with several thousands in profit and still hold more to keep myself invested. Thanks for the wild ride.

2020: seriously, what the fuck.

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Let’s Hurry It Up

Two of my closest friends are expecting their first child. I’m excited as much as they are and to think I’ll be an uncle to someone is surreal. How odd, terrifying, but moving.

While I believe everyone on this journey of life sets their own pace, I’ve suddenly found myself wondering if I’m behind. The feelings come naturally when I’m preoccupied with work and why my savings isn’t miraculously going to solve all my problems. Different strokes for different folks, yet I’m here fixed on the monetary.

Don’t mistake it. Life isn’t all about money nor the material, but when life tries to fight you, I’m glad I can cover the seemingly too frequent visits the hospital. It’s a game of fighting the unexpected and misfortunate.

I’ve always told myself I couldn’t possibly be tied to a relationship right now with how busy work keeps me. Fun is immediate without the strings attached. Attachment itself is vulnerability and a slow stewing recipe for distress. Having a child is expensive once the reality phase comes hitting you like a train.

Like my grandma has told me countless times, stop to smell the roses and worry about yourself. Time is limited, yet we’re all trapped wishing for what others have while we are too distracted in how to obtain them. I am me. Next.

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Love and This Year

2020 is quite unusual. Pandemic aside, I didn’t fall head over heels in love and I didn’t date anyone new. I blame COVID for the lack of feelings to be had this year, but tell me something that isn’t already obvious. It’s strange. Normally, I could list a few good places I’ve been to with the lady or a few new experiences to be shared, but all that came to a halt.

Say it ain’t so. I’ve felt cheapened by the events of this year. Watered down even. The few casual encounters or what I like to call “extracurricular activities” I’ve had with women weren’t too meaningful nor something my mind to fixate on. Let’s not even number the headcount.

Everyone had this haze around them. I don’t blame them nor the constant reminders we’re inching towards a post-apocalyptic world — it can’t be helped. Shit. All I’m looking forward to is Thanksgiving — my all time favorite holiday. I can’t imagine the logistics around it, but I’m dreaming. This can’t all be happening and yet it is.

Later world.

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Rainy Day Fund

Life has a way of throwing too much in my direction. I’ve gotten a surprise bill in the mail. A cool four figures owed. Ouch.

I’ve noticed this year has a way of being expected. COVID, riots, heightened attitudes… something doesn’t feel right all year. Honestly, how can it. I’ve largely been unaffected this entire time. Call me thankful to still manage to get by relatively unscathed financially.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in less than a year. Can’t say that is a good sign for things to come, but here I am: tired, sweaty, and unenthusiastic about tomorrow. I’ve come to realize just because I don’t show the underlying emotion, doesn’t mean it’s not unknowingly affecting my well-being. I’m not as invincible as I believe.

Now I’m just mortal. Those feats of stupidity and brazen disregard for life have finally caught up to me. I can’t run any longer and the finish line gets farther. The lion has bitten back and I’m left hopping for the next kilometer.

I want the next year to come already. Give me Thanksgiving and fast forward to the next year, please. Best of luck to everyone wandering, but not yet lost.

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Down 30 Up 50

This year has been crazy for anyone invested in stocks. During the latter part of March, COVID-19 caused my stock portfolio to crash 30%.

First I panicked, but after some thought, I kept reinvesting into two sectors: pharmaceuticals and tech. I waited for the market to recover last month knowing that there would be a fast rebound and cashed out more than half of my holdings. I ending up buying Apple before their earnings report on the chance they would do their rumored 4–1 stock split. They did. Music to my ears.

I’ve avoided Tesla for a couple years now, but after the minor correction to $1300 and announcing their own 5-1 stock split, I dropped $2000 on Tesla for just over one share. This week has been cloud nine. Tesla had another monumental run up until today. Investors are buying like mad and pushed the stock past $2075 a share.

For the past 90 days, I’ve out paced the S&P 500 index by more than 35%, with an overall increase of 50%. In laments terms, for every $100 invested, I made back an additional $50. Fucking incredible.

Only in America where the economy can be in a recession and you can make serious money at the same time. This is insane.

I feel good. I feel blessed. Later world.